It's safe to say that a tension exists between that piece & just wanting to share me and my family. So my confession to you all is just that and it's likely that that tension will always be present, but I'm batteling it because somewhere I feel like just getting to offer myself and my heart is enough.
I'm struck this month by the courage Jesus is giving me. Fear and insecurity have lived so long underneath a mask of performance. Exposing and facing those things have forced me to confront the question of am I enough, Jesus? Its bringing me down a path that feels like such death. Feeling vulnerable. Feeling awkward. Feeling ehhh. HUMAN.
Man, I hate it. But I have hope that the walls of self-reliance and pride that I have built up, can be not only torn down, but redeemed by Jesus.
I'm finding he is producing a softness within. Even though the end goal isn't perfection, I'm finding that where there was once anger, there is sometimes a gentleness.
Example, Today's Victory. Please note that evidence of change isn't because I neccesarily didn't freak out.
Both the kids were up on and off every hour between midnight and 6.
Ellie is sick with a nasty cold, poor honey.
Rand left for work earlier then normal and we didn't get time to connect in the morning like we normally do.
Ellie's nose was a fountain and she needed a lot of extra loving.
Lunch came... and went.
Reid did happen to sleep for a 3 hour chunk (by the literal grace of God)
Rand came home just long enough for me to get to the bank before leaving for his bball game.
I was left to finish up supper, feed myself, and the kiddos, and get them to bed.
Would've shut down internally. Gone through the motions of putting the kiddos down while replaying the zillion reasons why I was a victim and Rand was the cause of this.
I entered it all.
I felt sad. Sad that his game was earlier and we didn't get to enjoy supper together or have a team mate in the night time routine.
I allowed myself to stay present with my feelings and found myself sturdier then I expected. While I would've liked a team mate, I felt like okay in the process of flying solo and even enjoyed the sweet snuggles before bed.
I got to speak. I told Rand why I felt sad instead of silently punishing him for his offenses.
I had self care.
Kombucha. Popcorn. Chocolate. Law and Order SVU. Blogging.
I would call that process a victory. But I want my heart to know that even if it would've looked like even messier that that would have been okay too. I guess, it just felt good to be in a place where I got to enjoy that process. I think that was the invitation I was praying to get to see and accept today.
Another thing that struck me is how serious I can get.
I find that I go into "Mom" mode pretty quickly. Now there is nothing wrong with guiding and teaching a child, but I find that I can get caught into an unequal power "bossy" or "queen bee" mode with Ellie pretty quickly.
|I LOVE THEM!|
And the truth is, the control I feel is an allusion that keeps me safe, but robs me of the ability to get to be present with the things I dismiss; the diapers, naps, potty training, meal times, coloring, and naps.
The truth is somewhere admist those things is an invitation too. An invitation to enjoy my precious babies. An invitation to be me and have that be enough too.
And I want to offer that to my kids.
It makes me sad that often, they spend their days with someone who sometimes feels like she is just trying to keep her head above water. I long to enjoy them in the way they were intended to be enjoyed. It makes me tear up writing this. My heart breaks that often they aren't rejoiced in and celebrated for their preciousness in all aspects of who they are.
So thats that.
|After her doctors trip.|
AMEN TO THAT. Can I just say how much I love that man and his strength?
Other big things this month:
Ellie had her first big trip to the doctor. She was "helping" Rand unload the dishwasher before work and slipped while holding a plate and cut her hand. She had a two inch gash near her left thumb and we would've had an ER trip, but our doctor had an opening right away. She was such a brave girl! The actual fall freaked her out, but the gash didn't seem to bother her. I was grateful for her reaction and the peace that I felt to be able to do just the next right thing.
|Wrapped up in a blanket like "Auntie Alys"|
|Our hair stylist, toolman, boxer.|
Ellie pooped in the Tub. AND THE TUB WAS HAVING DRAIN TROUBLE BECAUSE A RAG HAD GOTTEN SUCKED DOWN IT. it was not fun, as you can imagine.
Whenever Ellie gets excited she sort or struts around and says dah dah and points to thing, eager to invite you into her world.
Ellie really likes to salt and pepper things. And really likes soup.
Reid. Well I still feel like I am just starting to get to know the kiddo.
He can hold his head up pretty well now when you hold him and is starting to grab at things.
He still seems to have a lot of gas, still. I am trying to take more dairy out and probiotics to help out a bit, which seems to be helping some. But typically it just makes for a babe that likes to be held in very specific positions and almost never the snuggly, nestled into the crook of your elbow type of way.
The kid can be as stiff as a board some times, but I guess it makes for excellent posture. During the superbowl, his soon-to-be Auntie Cor was lifting him up and he was straight planking.
He has dimples that are just the cutest.
Ellie was helping him clap the other day. She seems to have more of an interest in him.
|Love this guy.|
|This cardigan & V Neck. Oh man.|
|What a typical day looks like...|
Rand turned 25. We ate strawberry cake and had spegettie carbonara per his request.
I started working a saterday shift back at Amazing Grains. I really enjoy the culture there and have enjoyed getting some time away.
I had surgery to repair a tear that hadn't healed properly after our home birth. Lets just say a second episiotomy isn't ideal, but neither was the alternative. Recovery has gone surprisingly well and I'm confident I will be pain free soon. Not being able to exercise this last week hasn't been very fun, though, but I'm excited to be able to get back to it and do all the jumping and stretching I want again.
Something about training for something has been on my mind lately. Anyone need a training partner for something? The fargo marathon? A triatholon? Starting a summer adult soccer league? But seriously on all of those. Especially the adult summer league. The summer before Ellie was born I started one through the Grand Forks Park district with the help of a few folks and it was really fun!
So thats that.