Those things really suffocate my soul. My true self gets lost beneath that performance and it makes my heart sad to think about.
So here are some things that I would like to share:
Rand and I really enjoy watching The Voice on Monday and Tuesday evenings. We laugh and joke and pretend like we know something about music and singing... we don't, although I think I am able to carry a tune. I find myself rooting for everyone really hardcore. Sometimes, when the people are voted off I start to tear up. Maybe I am more emotional this pregnancy, but I like to think that my heart for other's dreams are growing.
I really enjoy my NuBody Class at the YMCA. It's like zumba on drugs. One thing that I notice is that typically when I am headed to the gym I want it to be really apparent that I am pregnant. Part of it is because, hey, I'm pregnant and proud. But the other part that I notice makes me sad. I feel like when I start showing I will have more value as a person. That people will notice me and think more highly of me. I want this to look like feeling damn good just for being me not feeling good just because I'm going to be a mother of 2. So, thats a process that I am in right now. I notice that I don't try and feed the voice that wants to preform as much for other's sakes. Instead, I sort of tell Jesus whats going on in my heart and confess it. Then I start doing my thing again.
As for the rest of pregnancy. It's going just fine. Really feeling grateful for an OB that I trust and that is honest. We have gotten to have two ultrasound's done so far and the baby is healthy! It was even moving around on our last one. I have lost about 5-8 pounds so far, but I am slowly regaining my apetite. My morning sickness is all gone!!! And my bump is starting to pop.
The proudest accomplishment I may have personally had this month was finishing up all my in completes from last spring when I had Ellie.
More then finishing, perhaps, was feeling like I wrote my final two papers from my heart.
Not just writing what I knew would satisfy my professors, but writing from the soul of what I was learning and translating it into academia.
My first paper was on Existential Theory in Treating Codependency & my last paper was creating a legit Non-Profit business plan.
The pace of completing my Master's Degree feels painfully slow at times. But I am learning how to stay alive in the process and I find myself getting to savor my experience instead of sprinting through it. One more elective, an independent study project, and my internship are all that are left!
I noticed that this was the first year that any sort of celebration has felt so sweet.
My birthday and mother's day were two events this past month that went down and they contained really precious memories. In the past I felt a heavy pressure whenever something like a birthday came up. It felt like it was the one day of the year where my voice and longings could be heard and were desired.
But as Freedom is becoming more real for me I'm noticing that the other 364 days of the year are special too.
That my voice is important then too and that I have choices and decisions. I'm tearing up as I write this because I feel like as Jesus as brining me towards that I have the ability to receive.
Receive from Rand.
Receive from others.
Picking out flowers on mothers day. Working in the garden. Getting dirt under my nails. Getting a family canvas on my birthday and eating ham and cheese mac'n'cheese. Sitting in the sweet sunlight in the yard watching Ellie kick the soccer ball and reading a book. Having a picnic. Treats. They were just treats.
Another thing. A month is a really long time. It goes by so fast and so slow! I realize that this month I have had quite a few of those sob-on-the-floor-in-the-corner-and-cry moments. There is a lot of pain in my heart. There is the big stuff, like maybe childhood losses that are triggered by simple phrases or moods. But this month I have discovered an even deeper loss that grieves my soul. I'm reading this book by Larry Crab called "Finding God". I'll preface this quote with some background knowledge. I've heard from some people I resepect that Larry Crab is a pretty wise man. I started reading his book and got so angry with it I had to stop, only after some pretty choice words. I digested what I thought he was saying before proceeding to the next chapter. Here I encountered something that both broke my heart and put words to my pain:
"Rather, it is the pain of someone who wants to enjoy pleasure he cannot find and who fears that misery seems inevitable and perhaps deserved. It is pain that makes us stand still and think about something outside of ourselves, something ore important and more interesting than our concerns about who we are and how we're getting on. It is pain that compels us to ask terrifying questions about life and God" (page 30).
I heard in this so many things that I am tasting now. Even if my childhood and life up until this point would have been perfect, my heart was created for a pleasure that I cannot find here. In my family of orgin, in my husband, in school, in our children, in a nicer car, a bigger house, the most hipster mom clothes, a perfect body, or in the way that I desire relationships. And that, that is a pain that I feel heaviest in my heart. I can get bits that provide some pleasure, but never near what I was designed for. The loss of that is heartbreaking. And that stirs a hopelessness inside of me. That pain is wretched. But it is that same pain that is compelling me towards something even bigger -- God. I find myself so curious about him lately. And I find myself getting tastes of something that offers that is far more and bigger then what I imagined he was capable of. As the wounds in my heart grow bigger then I ever imaged He is also growing bigger and sweeter than I ever imagined. And that, that is The God that I want and who is worthy of receiving all of me and everything about me.
So I think those are the things that I want to share. Oh and that my dreams at night are crazy weird. I can't even begin to talk about them.
Ellie is just a gem. My favorite memories were probably from today and this past weekend this month.
She desperately wanted to help us paint the wood for our garden so we through her in some junky clothes and gave her a little paintbrush. She was just delighted. It was so sweet. She would dip her brush in the paint and try and paint the wood, just like mommy and daddy. Then she started dipping it in the water and not the paint and we had to modify a bit. After, she enjoyed a naked run through our sprinkler with Kia. It is incredibly strange how similar she is to that puppy. I think at one point they were both peeing in the yard. And today, she walked up to Rand and gave him a huge kiss and then gave me one. The open mouth kind.
Other big things we are noticing this month:
Not only does she understand a lot of words, but she is starting to use a lot more words. Her babbles are changing to a more conversational flow and she responds to our questions in some form. She likes to say, "Bubye", baba (Baby), Hi, Momma, Dadda, Up (for up and help), ba (sheep), Kiitt (Kitty) and she has a clear understanding of snack, eat, water, farm, Kia, Puppy, outside, shoe, lets get dressed (she runs away), lets change your diaper (she runs), Flush and Brush she mixes up because they are both in the bathroom. This development has been the most exciting because she seems that much more independent.
She really enjoys Kia and they will laugh and play together during the day. She started kicking the soccer ball around this month and enjoys it when I play against Kia with the ball.
She enjoys shoes and carrying things in bags. She has her own kitty bag that she totes around and a green purse she likes to fill. She loves to take out shoes and likes to carry them around or try and put them on.
She had her 1 year check up and they noticed that the tubes in her ears aren't shaped how they should be. This could be what is causing her ear infections so we are continuing to monitor that. Poor girl! She is close to the 90th percentile for both her height and weight. She is also getting her 5th and 6th teeth right now.
|She likes to carry her blankies around and snuggle.|
|Came home to this!|
|Loves her farm set.|
|First time she fell asleep on her own watching a t.v. show. So out of character!|
|She is into feeding herself like mom and dad...|
|Her scrunch face.|
|My birthday breakfast. Made me cry.|
|The rest of my morning after garage saling and Ellie napping.|
|Loves this red ball.|
|Playing some soccer with her hands.|
|Likes to put grass in a plastic bag like mommy does when she picks up kia's poop.|
|Playtime in our new grill's box.|
|Taking a break.|
|Head bonk on the cement.|
|Helping us paint!|