Family of Four.

So we had another child on November 13th at 4:45. Reid Stephen.

Reid Stephen. 

He weighed in at 7lbs 5oz and was 21.5 inches long. I don't really have the energy to write all I would like about our birth. I'll stick to a sarcastic summary.

It hurt like hell. 

It was intense and fast. Contractions were consistent from 6pm Wednesday night but things didn't get unbearable until 1pm that day. 

Unbearable means on the floor feeling the most intense pressure in your bottom half that you have ever felt. 

It was in our living room, in a tub, so yes at home. 

The moments my eyes were open I was staring at Ellie's farm set. 

At 3:19 I looked at my watch and was desperate to be rescued. I had no idea how I was going to make it because there was no other option at this point. My voice had brought me to this unmedicated place  and I was forced to fully face the painful reality of child trying to emerge from my body. 

I had a sevenish minute break before I transitioned to the pushing stage. 

The moment of bliss moms describe in pushing didn't really happen for me. Love my kid but meeting him was not what was getting me through.

 It was my only option to stop the pain. However when I pushed his head out and felt the rest of him inside me still wiggling it was sort of cool. 

He was born at 4:45. 

It's been a crazy whirlwind since.

The best look at our life. 

I asked rand shortly after. How many kids do you think we will add. "Two" he says. Ha. Lets just say I get the idea of not talking about having children right after birth now. 

What has life been like since?

Well,

I wrote (most) of this blog from my phone while breastfeeding.

I am now almost on season 3 of Grey's Anatomy. 

Ellie has watched way too much frozen, tangled, and Daniel tiger.

At our first doctor appointment Reid was peeing all over me and the scale.  The nurse asks, "where is Ellie?"

Good question....

This morning it looked like two poopy diapers, no sleep, and applesauce up in everything.

This one doesn't fit with the sarcastic underwriting, but the women in our family started a new tradition of high tea during the holidays. YUM!

The Inn at Maple Lake. 7 sandwhiches and 7 deserts!

So... You could say we're adjusting. My new bedtime is 7pm.

Ellie holding Reid for the first time.

So many poopy diapers. 

A classic look. 

Yes, I know that I should treasure this moment, but I'm just going to be real about what the moment is. 

So honestly, 

This whole two kid thing has reall sent me spinning. I didn't realize how much control i felt like I was in and fought for when it was just Ellie. I also didn't realize how irrational I am and haven't wanted to fully face the fact that my messyness will affect my children, is affecting my children, and will continue to affect my children.  

So I'm having to face first face the reality of the paradigm of being a parent (and supposedly in control) with the reality that I'm not in control and that most often control is what separates me from others relationally. My husband my kids my friends. 

So I spiral into wanting the solution for this chaos. Trying to better understand my perfectionism and codependency is where I swing to. More control. A wanting to hash things out with myself. 

All I can run to is something that says grace. Something that is gentle and soft and loving.
That's all I have.
 OtherwiseI'm helpless to my own rigidity, impatience, harshness, and control.
 I'm bashful of my deep emotions and powerful tongue and desperate to hide beneath my mask of control and strength.
I need the compassionate strength of others and most desperately Jesus to face this monster. A tender embrace amidst the chaos.
I still believe that embrace will only come after I've tamed this prickly porcupine.
But my head knows that that isn't true. Amidst the mess of it all is where grace is supposed to meet me.

Amidst the impatience.
Amidst the pout.
Amidst the 3rd episode of Greys.
Amidst the anger and frustration of Ellie not listening and me being too short with her.

I think I can meekly say the best part of having two kids so far is getting to come closer to tasting his bountiful grace. It defies me, but it is what my soul craves.

Jesus help me to see your love here for me. Almost the control and chaos and harshness with my children and self. I'm desperate for your gentle words and grace.