I want to share a little blurb of what goes on in my heart in a typical day.I'm a recovering legalistic. What this often means for me is:
I like rules.
I like plans.
I like schedules.
I like black and white.
Are these things wrong? Heavens no. But often, as I examine my motives behind them, they come from a messy place. These things help me to know that I am okay and that I am safe. They point to me wanting to know deep in my soul that I am valuable as a person. Well and can you blame me, who doesn't want that?
Some days my heart feels the freedom found in Jesus, who says "You are my beloved" "You are my treasure" "You are precious."
Other times there is fear. Especially in this new season in being a stay-at home mom.
Fear that I really am not okay. That I am not doing enough to justify why I can be at home with Ellie.
Panic and scrambling usually follow. Then I can start to spiral. Here would be some of those thoughts that hit me just this week.
I need to find a job. I need to finish my five papers. I need to scrub the tub. I need to vacuum. I need to sweep the floor. I need to make dinner. I need to go on a walk. I need to figure out a routine for cloth diapers. I need to organize our finances. I need to organize all my photos on my computer. . I need to figure out a way to upload my instagram videos on my blog. I need to organize how I blog. I need to spend more time playing with Ellie. I spend way too much money. Why can't I be more content with what I have? Why can't I just start running, its only like 30 minutes of my time? Why can't I be a better listener? Why can't I just get my homework done? Why am I scared to call that person back? Why can't I just figure out a schedule for Ellie? I should have by now. Why can't I love my family or my friends better I should.
...and these are just a few.
Can you feel it? The panic. The harshness. The weight of those things on my shoulders. I sure can. It's exhausting reading all that gunk, let alone trying to put my soul through attempting to get it done. Its not freedom and Jesus has more for me.
Im reading this book bondage to bondage which spoke to my soul the other day.
"Trusting in grace feels more demeaning than earning our salvation. Coming alive to hope is more painful and cruel than being dead to our emotions.
BUT IT IS LIFE. "
And once we've tasted being alive, we can't go back to being dead. Aliveness in God is addictive."
My desire. Whelp. I want to feel free to fail. I want to know the depths of His grace and taste the warmth of His love in my core. I want to discover the real Jessica, the Jessica free from the bondage and chains of who I should be or need to be. I have begun to taste this grace, lately. Is it scary? Yeah, the freakiest. It means I actually will fail. But it means I will actually get to taste this Grace stuff. And I want to be alive as a a person, mom, and wife. And as I am tasting this stuff more and more. I'm discovering a few things.
Im discovering I actually don't like a spotless apartment. I prefer to not do the dishes right away... or for a few days. I don't really want to unpack immediately when I get home. I think my daughter is freaking adorable and my husband is beautiful, in a manly way. I can be crafty. I do not like scrubbing poopy diapers in the tub even though it is more economically then doing multiple loads in the dryer to save money. I cry and get angry with God when I don't understand why children are starving or being mistreated I like a good light read more then a christian theology book. I actually would prefer getting a C in a class to putting my soul through the torture of having to right a paper in this beautiful weather. I would prefer cuddling with my husband to going to play tennis... some nights. I want to coach little nuggets who want to play soccer. I still enjoy swearing, shit. I want to make banana bread for my new neighbs. I really am curious about people, differently. I feel less inclined to schedule out my time and day. I enjoy making homemade pizza sauce. I don't need to put a smile on for the checkout lady at target... but I can if I feel like it. Things are more gray now then ever. I like my nose piercing because its sassy. I like to paint?! I just decided I want to try to make leg warmers for Ellie, like as I typed those words.
Yeah, this stuff is neat. I feel softer. I'm more ... me.
"It is for Freedom that Christ has set you Free"