November: 19 Months & Full Term

The end of pregnancy is a wild thing. I feel a fusion of many things that both confuse, excite, and make me feel crazy.
No, you don't have to tell me to enjoy these last moments with just one, I am aware it will be harder with two. Trust me, I have already used this line on myself in an attempt to manipulate my emotions.
The truth is, I feel eager to meet this new little face and discover what loving a little man's soul is like.
AND
I feel eager to not have someone else invading my body and bladder.
To be able to turn over in the middle of the night without fighting with the thousands of pillows that invade my bed.
Be able to use my abdominal muscles again to move, pick things up, tie my shoes, snuggle my little girl, and bear hug my husband.
Be able to wear AND zip up my fuzzy winter snuggly zip ups.

39 weeks. 

Ellie was born a few days early, so I had predicted that he would be here at some point over the weekend. Its been odd to sit in and wrestle through the levels of disappointment there.  Typically, contractions would be some sort of precursor to the real deal, but this trimester has been full of them. There have been countless nights I have gone to sleep thinking and certain that:

"Tonight, its going to be tonight"

Only to wake up, still pregnant, and cranky.

Today has been one of the first days this wave has seemed to not feel as big. We had an appointment with our midwife last night and baby and I are still very healthy, so that has eased my concern and helped soothe my soul.

So, now we just continue to wait for our little man. Crazy, but I have even found myself to be enjoying parts of the past 24 hours.

So cheers to continuing enjoying our newly put up christmas decor, wicker candles, one on one time with my gal, lots of walking, figure eights on my yoga ball, squats, and eating pineapple.

Here are a few things that come to mind when I think of Ellie this past month:
She likes to point to her ear when she hears an airplane, police siren, or ambulence.
She points to just about everything and says "da"
She has discovered her yelling voice.
She has a variety of new dance moves and loves to spin.
Classic her this month is wearing 5-6 purses on her arms and neck, her thanksgiving necklace, a hat, her boots, and bracelets pushed up past her elbow. The girl loves accessories.
Picking out a purse to bring to target
She seems to think that any sort of flying bug is a bee.
Rand taught her how to tell if she has her shoes on the wrong feet.
She is really interested in rings and likes to point to both mine and Rands.
She refers to her belly button as "bebe".
She is finally letting me do her hair! This one is a treat for me :)
On mondays we enjoy Target trips with Laureen (she calls her mom-I right now) and Aunt Alys. Often Laureen will treat us to Starbucks and Ellie will get a pink cake pop to chew on.
She really enjoys wrestling with Rand, spending time in the garage working on projects, and the  extra snuggles when he tucks her in at night.
She is starting to pick up on routine. When we pray at supper we will each touch her arms or hands and she seems quite intrigued by it.

Classic. Loves putting on socks. 

Melts my heart. Loves to help her dad. 

Working in the shop. 

She was a scuba diver for halloween. 

We walked around at Rands work and the mall for our trick or treating. 

Teaching me about tools. 

Shoes, boots. She loves em.

Helped me put up christmas decor a few weeks early ;)

Rand thought she looked like nacho Libre.

Accesorizing at it's finest. 

Loving my vest. 

Parenting is a constant learning curve. I'm grateful for my teamate in this. I started to see this month how my lack of sturdiness was starting to create a pretty demanding and controlling little gal. I don't like sitting in that tension, but I started to feel a movement in my heart towards what I desire that to look like. I feel more valuable as a human when I know and can meet Ellie's needs but I am starting to see a pattern of rescuing her and robbing both her and I of opportunity to "suffer" and taking away her soul's dignity. She gets to know that mommy loves her but if she chooses to not eat supper, that she will get hungry. Or that it is okay if she wants to throw a tantrum after her nap and I love her, but I am going to keep doing life. I want her sweet face to know my love, but also know that she gets to choose and make decisions and learn she can "sit in the mess" and "make it".

So this idea of suffering and hope come to mind. I knew it was a verse somewhere in the bible and found it in. It's been on my heart these past weeks.

Romans 5:3-5

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 

I feel like I have just begun learning how to suffer. Suffer through my agenda not being met. Suffer through unmet longings of my heart. And wanting to choose that, not because I claim Jesus as my savior and he tells me to, but having a real desire awakened. And I'm noticing that trusting in Jesus over myself, doesn't take away the pain, but it does allow me to turn to him and sit in my mess---persevere. And I'm noticing a sturdyness beginning to emerge. In my marriage, in parenting, in working through the muck and pain of my heart, in loving my daughter, and other relationships. And I'm starting to hope. What a sweet taste that hope is.  It's the taste of a more sturdy hope then I have known and I'm certain it's the eternal hope Jesus speaks of.

So cheers to more suffering right? ha. Remind me of that after this kiddo's born.

October Update: 1.5 Years//35 Weeks//Maternity Pictures

Well, its pretty real feeling. We are going to be having this child in about a month! That is probably the thing that is talked about most in our house this month, as we prepare for Him. Another big highlight this month were family photos. My friend Hailey has runs a photography business with her husband. This is the second time she has gifted us with her talent and precious pictures of our family.What a serious treat.  Here are a few favorites. If you live in the Minneapolis/ St. Paul area check them out here: Oak & Ivy Photography!

I love that we captured her smile here!

The bench where Rand and I officially started dating. 

Eloise is a full fledged toddler these days.
Honestly, some moments feel incredibly difficult.
Typically, those days are a reflection of my internal world and I am starting to savor getting the opportunity to enter that. She is helping to produce things in me that I didn't think I was capable of, well, really Jesus is, but Ellie seems to be a huge catalyst in the process.
Other moments feel like pure bliss. I look at her and am completely blown away by her.

Here are a few memories from the month:

She loves to say dadddd--ddy. It's a delight to hear.
Her independence is ever growing. She really likes to try and put her clothes on and absolutely adores shoes. Her shoes, my shoes, boots, heels, helping me put on my shoes, helping Rand put on his. Getting dressed tends to be a drawn out process in the morning.
She will randomly walk on her tip toes at different points.

She loves to run through the house, especially during playtime with daddy and Kia. 

She really loves her little tike car. It was going to be a christmas present but....

She likes to say "one, two, three, go" it comes out a little different but is adorable. She does it especially when she is about to go down the slide at the park. 

She prefers to not eat the skin of apples. 

She has been crawling on her hands and knees to play with Kia.
She understands a lot of different things, but has started being a little helper. She likes to help with dishes and throwing things in the garbage. 

Sometimes she will walk around with her hand clasped behind her back.
Her favorite body part is the eye. She likes to point at her eye and other peoples when she hears someone say eye.
She loves to eat Kia's dog food.

She loves popcorn.
She loves to find cutips and put them in her ears "like mommy". Oh boy.
The biggest transition this month has probably been her sleep patterns. She started having a really hard time sleeping in her big bed, so we had to put her back in her crib. The past few weeks her wake up time has been between 5:30 and 6. We are both hoping this is just a phase because were starting to get pretty tired! She is still doing two naps a day, but they are slowly getting shorter, as well. 

Poor girl's eye swelled shut from a bug bite.

Shes into eating apples. 

her and daddy. 

UND football game. 

Her new reading stance.

We shoot for biweekly baths...

Shoes...

Playing with our change. 

Therapy for mom and Ellie

Rand thought she looked like Nacho Libre ;)

Sassy at the park. 

As a family it seems we are adapting to our fall schedule. I feel like as soon as we have fully adapted well be transitioning again.
The words that come to mind for it are "It's the eb and flow babbbee".

Other big things this month have included trying to determine if we would like to make some big transitions to our birth plan.
We had a more traumatic birth experience with our emergency C-section with Ellie that have caused us both to spend a lot more time researching and determining what would be best for our family for this birth.  Just when we thought we were all set in our plans we have had new things come up that could change what we have planned now. It's getting down to the wire, but knowing I have a Plan A helps me to feel at peace. Plan B gets to be the fun part!

These things that I am talking about are huge things for me. As a recovering perfectionist and codependant the idea of sitting in the unknown and making decisions with Rand are like huge. I clutch control like gum to a shoe. Its incredibly exciting for me to enjoy the process of decision making and the unknown. Oofta. It still feels like ... I have my shoes on the wrong feet, most days, but things that were big no longer seem quite as big. Praise Jesus.

Other fun things this month for me has been exploring organic produce more, enjoying having more fun through managing our budget, making meals and cooking, buying Ellie a pair of Bogg Boots, purchasing a Boba Baby Carrier, going on fall walks with Ellie and Rand, enjoying the next season of Park and Rec on Netflix, and spending time making decisions with Rand. Rand seems to be enjoying some tinkering. He recently redid a full size ping pong table and purchased a few tools he had been searching for from some garage sales. As a family we have gotten to enjoy a few UND games and had a blast last weekend going to a local Pumkin Patch.

I BET BY MY NEXT BLOG POST BABY SEAY WILL BE HERE. AH!

31 Weeks// 17 Months

I'm finding there is more consistently to my day then I may have thought.
 I can almost guarantee that Ellie will want to watch Frozen and I can pretty much guarantee that I will be extremely uncomfortable most of the day.  We had a streak over the last few weeks of watching frozen 12 days in a row. I remember seeing it in theaters and thinking it was the most amazing disney movie of all time, but if it was possible, I would probably strangle Elsa, Anna, and Olaf.  The joy that movie brings Ellie is insane, though, so I think I would have to keep them all alive. She literally lights up and is glued to the show. Definitely her favorite thing this month. I'm hoping to make some alternative Frozen purchases so we don't end up watching the show everyday.

Other things we have noticed...

She loves to spend time with her baby. She pronounces it bee-bee and likes to bring it with her around the house and pushing it in the stroller.

Lately, she enjoys laying in her bed after her nap and when she wakes up snuggling with her blankies and burying her face in the softness.

She still loves to play with water in the sink.

She enjoys dancing to music. She associates my iPhone with music and will try and find the right app so she can start playing it and then move her head back and forth.

She learned to say the word "hot" and interchanges it with any sort of temperature change.

She has taken a few really rough tumbles. She enjoys parks and going down slides a lot. The other day we were at the park and she was a bit tired. When she gets tired, she acts similiar to someone heavily intoxicated and tends to stumble a lot. So she tried sitting at the top of the stairs a bit too early and fell down four stairs. It's so hard for me when she falls, my heart breaks! She was crying a ton, but determined to go back and do it again. Her determination is fierce. Her second time down she was still crying a bit and took a second tumble off a small step and onto the concrete. Bedtime came pretty quickly after that.

She really enjoyed the french fry feed and looked really intrigued during the potato bowl parade. She enjoyed watching the bands, especially, and tends to really enjoy soaking things in and saying "hi" to everyone.

Her hair is getting so long! Laureen gave her her first trim this past week.

She is really lengthening out. Put her next to your typical 2.5 year old and you may not be able to tell who is older.

My soon-to-be-sister-in-law took a few photos of our family in the middle of July. She is such a fun gal and I am really enjoying getting to know her more. Here is her website https://www.facebook.com/corinnenoellephotography and few of my favorites from our shoot.

25ish weeks

Loves pushing her stroller and "bee-bee"

She stashed her milk in the cabinet one day. Luckily, I found it!

Loves to wear the dog's leash around her neck.

Lounging, watching frozen.  

Rarely will she let me do her hair, but when she watches frozen, I can get away with just about anything. 

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The biggest delight for me this month has been watching her and Rand spend time together. I started working about 15 hours a week during a few nights during the week and on weekends, which means Rand gets a lot more individual time with her. During this transition, I have noticed it move me in a direction I hadn't even seen prior. I've been facing the reality that I do feel more valuable if I am with Ellie the most. I feel more secure and in control.
Not always.
But I am starting to differentiate my motivation on the daily.

Potato Bowl Parade. 

The other day I realized that part of my motivation as I was sitting with her, wasn't to just be with my babe, but because that I felt by entertaining her meant I was doing a "good job".
So that discovery exists. It makes me sad that I feel more value based on these codependent tendencies. But eh. I'm human, right?
I want my heart to truly know that my value isn't based on Ellie's mood that day or her needs. But I also want to learn what love looks like in the midst of her tantrum and her neediness.

Truly, it has been a treat to surrender some of that control. I find a deeper sense of trust and team emerging between Rand and I through it. Getting to taste Interdependency vs. codependency is like tasting that first bite of fresh cheese curd. Hmhm. It tastes good.

So cheers to more of that, I'm certain of the bounty of future opportunities that await me.

30 Weeks. 

Our fall transition is going okay. It seems like there is always an appointment, a project or something broken around the house. I'm getting more okay with being in the midst of those things.
I have a wretched time sleeping most nights. If I am not up going to the bathroom, I feel like I am tossing and turning trying to cushion my belly or ease the tension in my back. I don't remember this starting so early with Ellie or being this difficult.
I'm also noticing patterns in when he is awake, which is new for me. Lets just say this kiddo can move! We both can't really conceptualize what an addition to our family will be like. It doesn't really freak us out, but it's surreal to try and visualize another face joining us. We have a name picked out that we both feel we will choose. I get this intuitive feeling that he is going to be arriving a bit early, but I'm still not sure if that is just because I'm so uncomfortable or if it's mother's intuition.
 Either way, I'm excited to meet him.
I've started nesting and began working on decorating his room and taking inventory of what we have and need still.

Cheers to our two month countdown to you Baby Boy!