November: 19 Months & Full Term

The end of pregnancy is a wild thing. I feel a fusion of many things that both confuse, excite, and make me feel crazy.
No, you don't have to tell me to enjoy these last moments with just one, I am aware it will be harder with two. Trust me, I have already used this line on myself in an attempt to manipulate my emotions.
The truth is, I feel eager to meet this new little face and discover what loving a little man's soul is like.
AND
I feel eager to not have someone else invading my body and bladder.
To be able to turn over in the middle of the night without fighting with the thousands of pillows that invade my bed.
Be able to use my abdominal muscles again to move, pick things up, tie my shoes, snuggle my little girl, and bear hug my husband.
Be able to wear AND zip up my fuzzy winter snuggly zip ups.

39 weeks. 

Ellie was born a few days early, so I had predicted that he would be here at some point over the weekend. Its been odd to sit in and wrestle through the levels of disappointment there.  Typically, contractions would be some sort of precursor to the real deal, but this trimester has been full of them. There have been countless nights I have gone to sleep thinking and certain that:

"Tonight, its going to be tonight"

Only to wake up, still pregnant, and cranky.

Today has been one of the first days this wave has seemed to not feel as big. We had an appointment with our midwife last night and baby and I are still very healthy, so that has eased my concern and helped soothe my soul.

So, now we just continue to wait for our little man. Crazy, but I have even found myself to be enjoying parts of the past 24 hours.

So cheers to continuing enjoying our newly put up christmas decor, wicker candles, one on one time with my gal, lots of walking, figure eights on my yoga ball, squats, and eating pineapple.

Here are a few things that come to mind when I think of Ellie this past month:
She likes to point to her ear when she hears an airplane, police siren, or ambulence.
She points to just about everything and says "da"
She has discovered her yelling voice.
She has a variety of new dance moves and loves to spin.
Classic her this month is wearing 5-6 purses on her arms and neck, her thanksgiving necklace, a hat, her boots, and bracelets pushed up past her elbow. The girl loves accessories.
Picking out a purse to bring to target
She seems to think that any sort of flying bug is a bee.
Rand taught her how to tell if she has her shoes on the wrong feet.
She is really interested in rings and likes to point to both mine and Rands.
She refers to her belly button as "bebe".
She is finally letting me do her hair! This one is a treat for me :)
On mondays we enjoy Target trips with Laureen (she calls her mom-I right now) and Aunt Alys. Often Laureen will treat us to Starbucks and Ellie will get a pink cake pop to chew on.
She really enjoys wrestling with Rand, spending time in the garage working on projects, and the  extra snuggles when he tucks her in at night.
She is starting to pick up on routine. When we pray at supper we will each touch her arms or hands and she seems quite intrigued by it.

Classic. Loves putting on socks. 

Melts my heart. Loves to help her dad. 

Working in the shop. 

She was a scuba diver for halloween. 

We walked around at Rands work and the mall for our trick or treating. 

Teaching me about tools. 

Shoes, boots. She loves em.

Helped me put up christmas decor a few weeks early ;)

Rand thought she looked like nacho Libre.

Accesorizing at it's finest. 

Loving my vest. 

Parenting is a constant learning curve. I'm grateful for my teamate in this. I started to see this month how my lack of sturdiness was starting to create a pretty demanding and controlling little gal. I don't like sitting in that tension, but I started to feel a movement in my heart towards what I desire that to look like. I feel more valuable as a human when I know and can meet Ellie's needs but I am starting to see a pattern of rescuing her and robbing both her and I of opportunity to "suffer" and taking away her soul's dignity. She gets to know that mommy loves her but if she chooses to not eat supper, that she will get hungry. Or that it is okay if she wants to throw a tantrum after her nap and I love her, but I am going to keep doing life. I want her sweet face to know my love, but also know that she gets to choose and make decisions and learn she can "sit in the mess" and "make it".

So this idea of suffering and hope come to mind. I knew it was a verse somewhere in the bible and found it in. It's been on my heart these past weeks.

Romans 5:3-5

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 

I feel like I have just begun learning how to suffer. Suffer through my agenda not being met. Suffer through unmet longings of my heart. And wanting to choose that, not because I claim Jesus as my savior and he tells me to, but having a real desire awakened. And I'm noticing that trusting in Jesus over myself, doesn't take away the pain, but it does allow me to turn to him and sit in my mess---persevere. And I'm noticing a sturdyness beginning to emerge. In my marriage, in parenting, in working through the muck and pain of my heart, in loving my daughter, and other relationships. And I'm starting to hope. What a sweet taste that hope is.  It's the taste of a more sturdy hope then I have known and I'm certain it's the eternal hope Jesus speaks of.

So cheers to more suffering right? ha. Remind me of that after this kiddo's born.