4.5 Months. Weeks 16-19.

This little lady is so precious to me! The past few weeks she has seemed to have changed so much. The biggest thing I have noticed is that she really enjoys being with people, she loves to move, and when she wakes up in the morning or from naps, she is just delighted... usually.  She is still waking up about 4 times a night either hungry or needing to be soothed, leaving me pretty tired in the mornings.

Some of the other latest.

When I first pick her up, she tends to squeeze my hips with her legs and grip my shoulder tightly. Our morning hug is one of my favorite parts of the day :)

On labor day, we had a BBQ with family and a few friends and she was in her zone. She giggled, squealed, and thoroughly enjoyed playing with everyone.  Usually she takes naps, but she was awake most of the day and was more interested in interacting and observing then eating.

When she is pooping or farting she likes to hold her breath and push ;)

She has an infatuation with water bottles and is always trying to drink from Rand and my Hydroflasks really.

She has been getting her first tastes of foods.  I let her suck on apples and grapes and have attempted feeding her some tastes of brown rice. Shes not a fan of the brown rice right now.

Her voice is getting much louder.  She loves to squeal, makes noises and giggle.

She likes to throw things. She has a pretty good arm.

I have noticed her get frustrated and angry. She tends to flail around and its kind of cute. She really can kick pretty hard though!

She likes to play kind of agressively. She enjoys airplane rides, sitting in her bumbo and hitting the sides, being shaken from side to side, being held upside down, playing Horsie with daddy, and being hugged tightly.

She loves to bounce!

Favorite Cloth Diaper. Beyonce Bootay

Trying Out her high chair from Grandpa Racine

Nana Laureen's Swing on their new deck

Still loves her pacifier

Bedtime!

Lovin Her Bow.

First time in a swimsuit and at the waterpark

Loves glasses!

Time with Auntie Alys.

Enjoys being outside

Loves her daddy.

Welcome to meal time. 

Just tyring to eat milk jugs. 

Trying out Fruit. 

New Bib.

Likes to raise her hand. 

She attended a few of her first sporting games. She watched her first soccer game at Central cheering on her uncle while he coached ;)

Her first UND game was Women's Volleyball and she seemed to enjoy all the movement and noise. I'm super excited to have another fan by my side this fall.

While the month of July was full of travels, we stuck around Grand Forks and recharged for most of August. Rand's sister Alys was in town from Georgia (and the rest of the world), for a month and we enjoyed our time with her. I miss her already and savored our walks, talks, and time together. What a sweet woman she is!

UND sports have started and Rand, Ellie and I have had the pleasure of going to some volleyball and football games. Can't wait for the first home women's soccer game on Sept. 11!
I am going to start coaching a 1st and 2nd grade boys sunflake soccer team and I am incredibly excited to meet the little nuggets tonight.
Next week I am going to start watching a 1.5 year old little boy named Micah 3 days a week. I'm sure it will have its learning curve, but I am really excited for the adventure that will bring and another playmate for Ellie and I.
Rand recently redid his website and is enjoying learning more about web programming and design. You can check it out here: www.randseay.com
I recently started baking more and have found some creative, fun, and healthy recipes using a website I am in love with www.weelicious.com. This one is fun too, I learned how to can salsa!

We are enjoying the recent cool temps, excited for the upcoming weeks, and for our first fall with our little girl! 

Month 4: Weeks 13-15.

The month of July was filled with travel. A lot of time was spent visiting with my parents, family, and friends in the twin cities. Rand surprised me and we took a spontaneous trip over the fourth to visit my parents and celebrate America. Ellie and I stayed for 10 days and vacationed. And we went to a few weddings.  One of which included a wedding ceremony at a real life vineyard. Yes, we were in minnesota. Yes, it was so incredibly beautiful. No, it was not the same as you see on I love Lucy. Needless to say, we are looking forward to a quieter month.

We all grew fairly accustomed to the five hour stretch. Strategic Rand would ration his water intake and use the salt in sunflower seeds to soak up the liquid and help limit our pit stops. Ellie would typically have the most say in this, though. She makes it pretty known when she is hungry. I was pretty impressed with how tolerable she was in the car. Whenever you hit 65, it kind of intensely vibrates, so I can't blame her. Three side notes I want to say about our car. It is my favorite and I seriously feel cool in it, ha. It is a ford focus 2000 WAGON. Not the back seat rear facing I grew up on, but still a wagon.   It has those family stickers on it, a dad, mom (with a ponytail), and baby.

Here are a few of the latest.

She likes to eat...everything. It has been neat to watch her go from being a non-active participant in the world to someone who interacts, speaks, eats, and watches everything. My favorite development so far.

A favorite memory was the first time I heard her really laugh. My dad had told an horribly lame joke involving not-cho-cheese and started laughing. Ellie proceeded to cackle along with him and pretty soon we were all dying.

She is beginning to laugh and chuckle, more frequently. Sometimes I will leave the room and come back to her cooing and carrying on a conversation...with herself.

I attempted to try and document her sleep and feeding times to create a more predictable schedule, but lately it has seemed to just fall into place. I am still waking up at least twice a night with her, but I find it a lot easier as of late.

She is now completely able to sit in her bumbo chair. She can sit in her bouncer, play thing, but hasn't quite caught the hang of it.

Her favorite book is a rubber animal book that lists like 6 animals.  She lights up when I take it out.  The bird page has a thing in it that tweets and she goes ecstatic when I push it.

Her favorite toy is a plastic seahorse. She loves to rattle it and eat its face.

When she is pooping she grunts and makes a face. Not so sly.

She had her 4 month check up and now weighs nearly 15 lbs and is more then 25 inches long!

Vommitted in Auntie Angie's Hair

Rand's impersonation. 

Bonnet from Auntie Michelle

Minnie Mouse Ears from the Disney Store. 

Sister night out on St. Thomas's Campus. Angie had too many one-liners to count. 

Meet Mary Magdalen 

Matchy Matchy. 

Green Bean Smile. 

Her bouncer. 

She likes to chew on it more then jump right now.

Her favorite book... she likes to eat it. 

Love playing with my sweet gal. 

Cousin Hannah's Wedding>> at the vineyard

Angie and Joe >> leaving for Italy soon!

Grand parents and Great Grandpa. 

Tiger face. >> Sis and Bro in Law

Take 2. 

Rand and I have been enjoying this season.
 Rand has continued to learn more and more web design stuff and he really likes it.
 I am undertaking the adventure of cloth diapering through trial and error. Trial being spending hours researching inserts, covers, and laundry detergent and making my first purchases. Error being, staining multiple inserts, handwashing the especially poopy diapers, and having a few explosions. I also decided I wanted to start coaching sunflake soccer. So starting in September I will get to do that. I am so excited!  I have also been enjoying starting to purchase more eco-friendly household products, like soaps and cleaning products and fresher produce from places like the farmers market and amazing grains, a local health foods store. 

We both feel like we are going to be entering into a new season soon and are excited to see what it brings! ... no I'm not pregnant ;)

Typical Day.

I want to share a little blurb of what goes on in my heart in a typical day.

I'm a recovering legalistic. What this often means for me is:

I like rules.
I like plans.
I like schedules.
I like black and white.

Are these things wrong? Heavens no. But often, as I examine my motives behind them, they come from a messy place. These things help me to know that I am okay and that I am safe. They point to me wanting to know deep in my soul that I am valuable as a person. Well and can you blame me, who doesn't want that?

Some days my heart feels the freedom found in Jesus, who says "You are my beloved" "You are my treasure" "You are precious."

Other times there is fear. Especially in this new season in being a stay-at home mom.
Fear that I really am not okay.  That I am not doing enough to justify why I can be at home with Ellie.
Panic and scrambling usually follow. Then I can start to spiral. Here would be some of those thoughts that hit me just this week.

 I need to find a job. I need to finish my five papers.  I need to scrub the tub. I need to vacuum. I need to sweep the floor. I need to make dinner. I need to go on a walk. I need to figure out a routine for cloth diapers. I need to organize our finances. I need to organize all my photos on my computer. . I need to figure out a way to upload my instagram videos on my blog. I need to organize how I blog. I need to spend more time playing with Ellie. I spend way too much money. Why can't I be more content with what I have? Why can't I just start running, its only like 30 minutes of my time? Why can't I be a better listener? Why can't I just get my homework done? Why am I scared to call that person back? Why can't I just figure out a schedule for Ellie? I should have by now. Why can't I love my family or my friends better I should.
...and these are just a few.

Can you feel it? The panic. The harshness. The weight of those things on my shoulders. I sure can. It's exhausting reading all that gunk, let alone trying to put my soul through attempting to get it done. Its not freedom and Jesus has more for me.

Im reading this book bondage to bondage which spoke to my soul the other day.

"Trusting in grace feels more demeaning than earning our salvation. Coming alive to hope is more painful and cruel than being dead to our emotions. 
BUT IT IS LIFE. "

And once we've tasted being alive, we can't go back to being dead. Aliveness in God is addictive."

My desire. Whelp. I want to feel free to fail.  I want to know the depths of His grace and taste the warmth of His love in my core.  I want to discover the real Jessica, the Jessica free from the bondage and chains of who I should be or need to be.  I have begun to taste this grace, lately. Is it scary? Yeah, the freakiest. It means I actually will fail. But it means I will actually get to taste this Grace stuff. And I want to be alive as a a person, mom, and wife. And as I am tasting this stuff more and more. I'm discovering a few things.

Im discovering I actually don't like a spotless apartment. I prefer to not do the dishes right away... or for a few days. I don't really want to unpack immediately when I get home.  I think my daughter is freaking adorable and my husband is beautiful, in a manly way. I can be crafty. I do not like scrubbing poopy diapers in the tub even though it is more economically then doing multiple loads in the dryer to save money. I cry and get angry with God when I don't understand why children are starving or being mistreated I like a good light read more then a christian theology book. I actually would prefer getting a C in a class to putting my soul through the torture of having to right a paper in this beautiful weather. I would prefer cuddling with my husband to going to play tennis... some nights.  I want to coach little nuggets who want to play soccer. I still enjoy swearing, shit. I want to make banana bread for my new neighbs. I really am curious about people, differently. I feel less inclined to schedule out my time and day. I enjoy making homemade pizza sauce. I don't need to put a smile on for the checkout lady at target... but I can if I feel like it. Things are more gray now then ever. I like my nose piercing because its sassy.  I like to paint?!  I just decided I want to try to make leg warmers for Ellie, like as I typed those words.

Yeah, this stuff is neat. I feel softer. I'm more ... me.
"It is for Freedom that Christ has set you Free"

Yes, I painted. Yes, these are my favorite colors. Yes, that is a paper bag. 

3 Months Old: Weeks 10-12

3 months old.  This is craziness. It is so neat to watch little Ellie change and grow. She is getting so much bigger and seems really "long". She definately knows Rand and I well, but in the last few weeks I have noticed her, well notice other people too, differently.  She seems to notice her enviornment differently and I can just see her soaking it all in. She often is content sitting on your lap and just watching what is going on. She likes to be included in things and will often "join us" for dinner, sitting on either of our laps while we eat or sit in her bumbo while I work on the computer.

 I'm certain if she could choose to always be held and bouncing, she would, but I don't think that that would be good for either of us.  I have often gone to Rand these last few weeks asking him what it looks like to know what she wants, but not immediately meet her needs. I want her to feel secure in my love for her, but I also know that that security isn't dependant on our world stopping when she is crying.  I've finding there is no black and white answer. What I do know is that I just want her to know that I love her like crazy, but that sometimes I mess up in and don't love her how I would like to mom.  I feel big enough right now to admit these things to her know and say sorry and hopefully, one day when shes much older, we can talk about that stuff. 

It's been exciting for me to give myself grace in this whole parenting thing and not feel like I have to take on the weight of figuring out things like her schedule.  We are starting to adjust her to and adjust to her wake times and nap times.  I've been setting up nap times during the day and bed time and sometimes we even follow it.  Those days feel like bonus days. She moved into her own room three weeks ago after I bought monitors and the transition has gone pretty smoothly.  I wish I was sleeping a bit better, but were still not quite there yet.  She wakes up 2-3 times a night, but Rand has started waking up with her in the mornings, which helps.  

So here are a few new things I have noticed about her:

+She is sitting up so much more and can support her neck. This development is super exciting and fun because I am able to play with her more.  I'll put her on my shoulders, do airplane rides with her on my feet, carry her on my hip, and stick her in her bumbo during my morning routine 

+She is starting to like her tummy time because she is figuring out she has more control and can see more when she is on her tummy. 

+She has little dimples coming in on her sweet cheeks.

+She likes to point her feet when she kicks.  We tend to notice this when she is in her carrier. 

+We started noticing this little tuft of hair that sticks up on the back of her head

+She likes holding your hand. Definately one of my favorite things!

+She likes to touch her hair and feel fuzzy things

+We had our first successful nursing experience in public, sort of, at a rest stop in the car. 

+She has been giggling when we play peek-a-boo

+She can hold things so much better and will hold on to her toys, our mail, my necklace, my hair, and she has starting grabbing at plates and the table at supper. 

Grandma got her a few new gadgets that we will hopefully be using soon like an activity center and johnny jumper and I have found quite a collection of new outfits for her at garage sales and second hand stores. 

Rand and I celebrated our two year anniversary yesterday and enjoyed a fun meal at the toasted frog and an episode of the office.  We're a few years off the mark, but we are definately enjoying the character development in the show. Rand caught me off guard one day and was pretending to be dwight ;) Rand has been working really hard at creating a new website to feature his work and it is looking good. Outside of The Office, we've enjoyed reorganizing our limited storage space, discussing repayment plans for student loans, a few bike rides, long walks, and a few tennis matches in the last few weeks of the summer. 

We have continued dreaming about a home and I recently have taken an interest in healthier eating, cloth diapers, and Martha stewart stencils. The concept of dabbling in things is new for me. My typical pattern is to discover something new and then feel the need to figure it out, develop a system, or just do it, which is typically exhausting, overwhelming and anxiety provoking. Needless to say, I have had quite a few days of taking on things new things, but I am learning to "put them on the shelf" when they start to feel big and taking them out when I want to.  The words that best describe why are "it is for freedom that christ has set you free". Slowly, I am becoming more ok with my sin and my mess as I fight the daily battles and weighted tugs of cleaning, grocery shopping, thinking about business ventures, exercise, and being a mom and wife. I feel grateful for a husband that is there to listen and fight the battle with me! 

The next month we are planning to be in the cities nearly every weekend and I am going to be spending a week at my parents house in the twin cities and get to see my dear sister, Michelle, and other family. 

first time holding her toys

This is mom's favorite headband, still too big!

She will usually sit in here while I work or make dinner

Fourth of July. She loves america. Mom lives stripes. Rand, well I picked out his shirt. 

"Long hair don't care". Ha, wig, courtesy of Auntie Angie. 

Grandma Gutierrez's purchases after a trip to once upon a child. Yes, that is a toy horsie. 

First time in her Johnny Jumper. She was more entertained by the padding then actually jumping.

First time on mom's shoulders. She really just enjoyed eating my hair. 

Farmer's market with the carrier. We realized that we had been wearing it wrong for a long time and then read the directions. So much easier to use!

Sleeping at Grandmas. Still loves to stroke her hair before she sleeps. 

She is starting to enjoy her tummy time. These are my favorite jamies!

She likes to sit sideways typically in her bumbo. 

New favorite bedtime snuggle partner. 

 Typical dinner time.