3 Years// 15 Months // 23 Weeks

Ellie and I like to take morning strolls together. Yesterday's walk was quite odd.  Its the middle of July and the weather was cold enough that I had on a sherpa zip up, over my sweatshirt and I was wearing gloves. What the heck, right? But it was beautiful and I was blown away by the flood of memories that fall weather brings for me. I found myself lost in these and thinking about Rand and my upcoming 3 year anniversary.

Today marks that day for us. Truly, I am blown away by how far Jesus has brought us in our marriage. We were young little twerps, just 21, and in love, committing to this thing called marriage. I don't anyone can ever be "prepared" for marriage and we sure were not prepared for what the cleaving process would look like for us. I could have never known the incredibly, "strong sense of self" that I have nor the incredible amount of relational idolatry that was in my life. Thats just a brief overview of some of the baggage that I brought into marriage and I am certain that Rand has a few that he brought in too ;)

So here we are 21, married, in college, and figuring out not only this thing called marriage, but really figuring out adulthood together. We were still in college and navigating that as well. Then I graduated. Started my first social work job. Ellie's conception. New apartment. Rand's graduation. Starting graduate school for me and Full-time work for Rand. Baby. Stay at home mom transition. Rand starts a new job. Rand starts an LLC business with Nick. First house. First puppy. Baby boy's conception. Pregnancy round 2.

HOLY CRAP.

Just looking at that makes me feel overwhelmed.

I don't know how we've made it through sometimes. Brutally honesty with myself. Brutally honesty with each other. A wonderful counselor who allows us to see God's mercy and grace. Truly.

So back to my walk.

I'm reflecting on all this then as I am today and almost mesmorized.

The journey we have been on has been more heartbreaking and pain saturated then I could have ever thought possible. But for the first time, I feel like I am more whole then I have ever been and more myself then I was ever before. The grace and mercy that I have encountered has brought life to words like grace, mercy, forgivness, repentance, and love. They aren't empty as they once were, but alive and giving me breath each day when I am certain all air is gone.

I was blind, and in many ways am still blind to the bondage that I was in. But I feel like I have new eyes to see. The new sturdyness that is emerging is giving me an ability to not only love myself, but love others. My husband. My daughter. Our crazy dog.

I feel hope as I never have felt before. For our family, future, my dreams.

I am so excited for the years to come, but both Rand and I agree that slowing down this rollercoaster ride we have been strapped into would be ideal...
We laugh at that only because I am certain that there will be no slowing down for quite a few years.

SO CHEERS TO THAT BABE!

Other things that come to mind this month is our little girl. She keeps amazing me more and more.  Her ability to understand and comprehend the world just continues to grow and it is so fun to watch her independence emerge.

One of her favorite things to do is go on a walk. Right around 9 am she will bring me her shoe or my shoe and grunt or point to the door. She always goes into a trance on our walks and likes to help and hold Kia's leash.

She gets this intensity sometimes, like her dad. She will sit and try and put on her shoes for 20 minutes. Put caps on objects. Try and put covers on waterbotels. Dump water from one bucket to the other. Wrap her baby in her blanket. Dump little squishy balls out and put them back in the bucket. Push her baby around in the stroller. Open the screen door over and over.

She likes to walk down the sidewalk towards the park almost every day and equally as much likes to eat the pebbles at the park.

She can be devious and likes to get our attention by throwing food on the floor at meal time. This month we have started bed room time outs and I think she is picking up on consequences because she will shake her head after she throws her food on the floor.

She LOVES fruit snacks and couldn't get enough of the sugar snap peas from our garden today.

She loves her nana and bapa. When we turn onto their street she will start saying nana over and over.

When I get the mail in the afternoon she likes to color on the junk mail with her crayons.

She is starting to not be a fan of sharing her toys, but always likes to share her food.

She learned the sign for please and will feverishly sign this for the food that she loves.

She still LOVES kitties and her puppy.

She really enjoys using utensils and has gotten quite good with them.

Whenever she goes to her grandparents house she often go to her high chair and want to eat. They have trained her well.

The hardest memory from this month was this past weekend. We were spending the night at a friend's lake house and even after a hard day of playing, she skipped her nap, went to bed late, and was up from 1:30- a little before 6 in the morning. Rand wasn't with me and so I was just exhausted! I think being in a new place must have made her nervous.

As a family we enjoyed spending the fourth with family on Devils Lake. This upcoming weekend we will be spending time with family at my parents house with my sister and brother in law from AZ, younger sister, and parents and then we will be celebrating a dear friend's wedding the following weekend. Lots of time on the road. We also had some trouble with water in our basement this month. The eves over flowed over fathers day in june and we had to rip up the carpet to dry it out. Lately we have been having a hard time with our downstairs drain that attaches to the washer and that the garbage disposal and dishwasher flow into. Not very fun! Our budget allows seems to be tight since we just have one income coming in, but I'm grateful that my view of finances are changing and that they are turning into a team effort. To cut back on some expenses we started cloth diapering again and I have enjoyed the challenge, in some ways.

This month I also decided to cut my hair off. Pixie cut it is! I have never felt more liberated and love my new cut. My belly is growing quickly with our little SON and I often feel him fidget and kick through out the day. I am still able to do all the activities I could do before pregnancy and I am still enjoying exercise classes. I even tried bad-ass yoga ;). The idea of another one joining our family makes me so excited. I have been spending a lot more time learning about the birthing process and choices within it.

23.5 Weeks baby. 

First set of pigtails!

Loves caps. 

Proved to her dad that chips could be eaten with a fork. 

Our son!

Loves to eat with her Bapa! 

14 Months// 20 Weeks.

This month. Hmm. Ellie is rapidly becoming a toddler. Its fascinating to see her personality emerge and see her become who she is.

So here are a few Ellieisms.

She likes dog food. She gets this look and then goes at Kia's dog bowl. I think she likes the crunch.

She enjoys sitting in the dog's bed and wrestling with her.

She likes to dip her food. She doesn't like to dip and eat her food. Just dip it and eat the sauce off.

She likes to eat things out of the wrappers. String cheese. Fruit strips. You name it. Except suckers. She doesn't like to eat the wrapper then. She enjoys ripping those off. She got quite good at that this month when I had some suckers out at the garage sale for kiddos.

She likes to brush her teeth. There was a bit when flush and brush sounded the same to her. We figured it out.

She likes to stick things in the toilet. Yesterday, I found cutips.

She likes to help with the dishes. So far we have only had 3 broken plates. No knife stabbings yet...

She likes to color. This one is cute. She is really just starting to figure it out but it can keep her entertained.

She is expanding her television and movie interests. We snuggled watching frozen today and clifford, sesame street, and another show has interested her.

She loves her grandma and grandpa seay. She calls grandma mam-ma and grandpa bapa.

She really likes to go outside. She likes to walk, push things, point at ants, pull dandelions, and sit in the stroller. She grabs her shoes and brings them to me almost every morning to communicate this. She has learned she can go outside on the deck without me and doesn't try to climb down the stairs anymore!

She likes her dolly's. Alys gave her a waterbaby one she had and she really liked that. I got her another one that has a little stroller she likes to push. She likes to hold the "baba" up to her head and really likes it!

She likes hair clips...or taking them out. Apparently she put her little bag full in grandpa's hair the other day.

She enjoys headstands and is learning somersaults.

She learned the sign for fan this month and enjoys to stare up at our fans and make the sign with her double jointed finger. It sort of looks like a hook.

She is starting to take to milk again.

She likes to hold hands.

She is babbling a lot more on her own lately and even in her crib. She is able to entertain herself more where in the past she has usually just jerked awake and started crying. She can soothe herself more!

She is not into reading so much this month and still hates her face being wiped.

Lots of outdoor time. 

Headstands with dad. 

Loves to go in and out unto the deck. 

Helping with dishes. 

We attempted a pony tail. 

Poor girl reacts to mosquito bites. This one got infected and we had to get antibiotics. 

Art Fest.  Love that she enjoys holding hands. 

Likes to color!

Enjoying our morning walk. 

Dolly love. 

Typical. 

She has been enjoying these gloves lately. 

Spent all of about 45 minutes fascinated by pulling the cord in and out of her nightlight. She also made her doll's box into a chair. 

Fighting over the dog bed. 

What else has been going on?

Almost halfway!

I'm about 20 weeks and starting to pop. Today we go in for our ultrasound. I'm really savoring the sweetness of this pregnancy. I feel more of a sense of trust with my body and intuition that is allowing me to trust myself. I desire a more empowering birth experience and it has been super exciting to explore options like doulas, the business of being born, and just decide what would be best for me and our family based on who I am as and individual.  I also have started being active in finalizing plans for my internship next spring/summer. It is exciting that I have been able to pull apart the strings of the knot that I have felt it has been. I still feel a bit scared, but it doesn't feel quite as big. I have begun getting the baby room ready! And I have been enjoying sweet times with friends and my sister in law, Alys. We had a garage sale this month and were able to raise half of an emergency fund that we are hoping to store away. It was difficult in some ways, but overall it really was a blast to have my own small business for two days. We sold a bunch of stuff we didn't use, or wear, and I made a bunch of treats to sell. We went to a few weddings this month. One was in Fargo and Rand made it into a little weekend getaway. It was fun. We also have enjoyed watching our garden grow. Everything has survived so far!

This gal got married!

Family Photo.

Wedding selfie.

My latest adventures include exploring what it would look like to rip out the upstairs carpet, attending some yoga classes, taking wheat out of my diet, booking a hair appointment for a little bit of a change, and exploring our family finances.

I'm hoping to find childcare next January-August for 4 hrs. each day, Mon.-Thurs. We are hoping for a nanny, but open to other options. The time is not completely set for what hours those days we will need, but if anyone has any feedback, referrals, or interest, please let us know!

Updates: 14 Weeks & 13 Months

As I start to type I am struck by a desire to perform. To write the things I think you might want to hear or even to preform for myself and write the things that I think I should write about.

Those things really suffocate my soul. My true self gets lost beneath that performance and it makes my heart sad to think about.

So here are some things that I would like to share:

Rand and I really enjoy watching The Voice on Monday and Tuesday evenings. We laugh and joke and pretend like we know something about music and singing... we don't, although I think I am able to carry a tune. I find myself rooting for everyone really hardcore. Sometimes, when the people are voted off I start to tear up. Maybe I am more emotional this pregnancy, but I like to think that my heart for other's dreams are growing.

I really enjoy my NuBody Class at the YMCA. It's like zumba on drugs. One thing that I notice is that typically when I am headed to the gym I want it to be really apparent that I am pregnant.  Part of it is because, hey, I'm pregnant and proud. But the other part that I notice makes me sad. I feel like when I start showing I will have more value as a person. That people will notice me and think more highly of me. I want this to look like feeling damn good just for being me not feeling good just because I'm going to be a mother of 2. So, thats a process that I am in right now. I notice that I don't try and feed the voice that wants to preform as much for other's sakes. Instead, I sort of tell Jesus whats going on in my heart and confess it. Then I start doing my thing again.

As for the rest of pregnancy. It's going just fine. Really feeling grateful for an OB that I trust and that is honest. We have gotten to have two ultrasound's done so far and the baby is healthy! It was even moving around on our last one. I have lost about 5-8 pounds so far, but I am slowly regaining my apetite. My morning sickness is all gone!!! And my bump is starting to pop.

The proudest accomplishment I may have personally had this month was finishing up all my in completes from last spring when I had Ellie.
 More then finishing, perhaps, was feeling like I wrote my final two papers from my heart.
Not just writing what I knew would satisfy my professors, but writing from the soul of what I was learning and translating it into academia.
My first paper was on Existential Theory in Treating Codependency & my last paper was creating a legit Non-Profit business plan.
The pace of completing my Master's Degree feels painfully slow at times. But I am learning how to stay alive in the process and I find myself getting to savor my experience instead of sprinting through it. One more elective, an independent study project, and my internship are all that are left!

I noticed that this was the first year that any sort of celebration has felt so sweet.
My birthday and mother's day were two events this past month that went down and they contained really precious memories. In the past I felt a heavy pressure whenever something like a birthday came up. It felt like it was the one day of the year where my voice and longings could be heard and were desired.
But as Freedom is becoming more real for me I'm noticing that the other 364 days of the year are special too.
That my voice is important then too and that I have choices and decisions. I'm tearing up as I write this because I feel like as Jesus as brining me towards that I have the ability to receive.
Receive from Rand.
Receive from others.
Experience intimacy.
Picking out flowers on mothers day. Working in the garden. Getting dirt under my nails. Getting a family canvas on my birthday and eating ham and cheese mac'n'cheese. Sitting in the sweet sunlight in the yard watching Ellie kick the soccer ball and reading a book. Having a picnic. Treats. They were just treats.

Another thing. A month is a really long time. It goes by so fast and so slow! I realize that this month I have had quite a few of those sob-on-the-floor-in-the-corner-and-cry moments.  There is a lot of pain in my heart. There is the big stuff, like maybe childhood losses that are triggered by simple phrases or moods. But this month I have discovered an even deeper loss that grieves my soul. I'm reading this book by Larry Crab called "Finding God". I'll preface this quote with some background knowledge. I've heard from some people I resepect that Larry Crab is a pretty wise man. I started reading his book and got so angry with it I had to stop, only after some pretty choice words. I digested what I thought he was saying before proceeding to the next chapter. Here I encountered something that both broke my heart and put words to my pain:

"Rather, it is the pain of someone who wants to enjoy pleasure he cannot find and who fears that misery seems inevitable and perhaps deserved. It is pain that makes us stand still and think about something outside of ourselves, something ore important and more interesting than our concerns about who we are and how we're getting on. It is pain that compels us to ask terrifying questions about life and God" (page 30).

I heard in this so many things that I am tasting now. Even if my childhood and life up until this point would have been perfect, my heart was created for a pleasure that I cannot find here. In my family of orgin, in my husband, in school, in our children, in a nicer car, a bigger house, the most hipster mom clothes, a perfect body, or in the way that I desire relationships. And that, that is a pain that I feel heaviest in my heart. I can get bits that provide some pleasure, but never near what I was designed for. The loss of that is heartbreaking. And that stirs a hopelessness inside of me. That pain is wretched. But it is that same pain that is compelling me towards something even bigger -- God. I find myself so curious about him lately. And I find myself getting tastes of something that offers that is far more and bigger then what I imagined he was capable of. As the wounds in my heart grow bigger then I ever imaged He is also growing bigger and sweeter than I ever imagined. And that, that is The God that I want and who is worthy of receiving all of me and everything about me.

So I think those are the things that I want to share. Oh and that my dreams at night are crazy weird. I can't even begin to talk about them.

Ellie is just a gem. My favorite memories were probably from today and this past weekend this month.
She desperately wanted to help us paint the wood for our garden so we through her in some junky clothes and gave her a little paintbrush. She was just delighted. It was so sweet. She would dip her brush in the paint and try and paint the wood, just like mommy and daddy. Then she started dipping it in the water and not the paint and we had to modify a bit. After, she enjoyed a naked run through our sprinkler with Kia. It is incredibly strange how similar she is to that puppy. I think at one point they were both peeing in the yard.  And today, she walked up to Rand and gave him a huge kiss and then gave me one. The open mouth kind.

Other big things we are noticing this month:

Not only does she understand a lot of words, but she is starting to use a lot more words. Her babbles are changing to a more conversational flow and she responds to our questions in some form. She likes to say, "Bubye", baba (Baby), Hi, Momma, Dadda, Up (for up and help), ba (sheep), Kiitt (Kitty) and she has a clear understanding of snack, eat, water, farm, Kia, Puppy, outside, shoe, lets get dressed (she runs away), lets change your diaper (she runs), Flush and Brush she mixes up because they are both in the bathroom. This development has been the most exciting because she seems that much more independent.

She really enjoys Kia and they will laugh and play together during the day. She started kicking the soccer ball around this month and enjoys it when I play against Kia with the ball.

She enjoys shoes and carrying things in bags. She has her own kitty bag that she totes around and a green purse she likes to fill. She loves to take out shoes and likes to carry them around or try and put them on.

She had her 1 year check up and they noticed that the tubes in her ears aren't shaped how they should be. This could be what is causing her ear infections so we are continuing to monitor that. Poor girl! She is close to the 90th percentile for both her height and weight. She is also getting her 5th and 6th teeth right now.

She likes to carry her blankies around and snuggle.

Came home to this!

Loves her farm set. 

First time she fell asleep on her own watching a t.v. show. So out of character!

She is into feeding herself like mom and dad...

Her scrunch face. 

My birthday breakfast. Made me cry. 

The rest of my morning after garage saling and Ellie napping. 

Playmates.

Loves this red ball.

Playing some soccer with her hands. 

Twerkin'

Likes to put grass in a plastic bag like mommy does when she picks up kia's poop.

Playtime in our new grill's box.

Family workday.

Taking a break.

Head bonk on the cement.

Helping us paint!

Naked Baby!

ONE YEAR: Birthday and Baby #2!

Ellie seems like a full blown toddler now! My favorite nickname for her is Bug, short for love bug. She walks everywhere, sometimes even runs, and is really showing her personality. She loves walking up to new people and just staring or being near them. We celebrated her birthday the week before and had some of her favorite foods, friends, and family. She enjoyed the cake, but wasn't very interested in opening up presents. Her dad made her own table and chair set and one of her new favorite gifts is a farm set she got. She likes to try and make the noises the animals make that I think she learned from all the times we have read her Favorite book Moo, Ba, Lalala

One big thing this month is that we have fully transitioned to whole milk. We're learning some new thins in this process, like how quickly whole milk can spoil. She has been given sour milk a few too many times!
We have had a few more ear infections this month and some high fevers because of the new tooth she is getting.
Lots and lots of head bruises. If Rand could put her in a helmet, I think he would! Lots of head bonks into the wall  corners and other objects.
She seems to really enjoy her time at the YMCA with friends while mommy works out. Sometimes I'll get a wave goodbye, but most of the time she just starts to play! I'm really thankful that it's easy for both of us now.
Before bed she has snuggle time with dad with her purple blankie. She hugs onto his shoulder and just want to be held, rocked and sung to before sleepy time.
She loves to dance to the only movie she will watch, baby einstein. She rocks back and fourth and shakes her head.
She is learning how to play hide and seek and a sort of tag game.
She likes to hide under her blanket and say "where is Ellie" until she takes of her blankie.
Her communication style is a variations of grunts, ahhs, and pointing. I have a feeling when she starts to learn more words she will have a lot of them. She has started to say dadda and ba, for bye. She really likes to wave bubye.
She really enjoys playing with kia. They laugh and play together.  Sometimes she will grab her and put her face into her fur.
She is starting to run away from me when it is time to get dressed, put her coat on, or change her diaper.
She is learning lots about electronics. She loves to hold the xbox controller, turn the t.v off and on, take my phone, and play a game on my iPad.
She still doesn't like pulling herself up to standing, but she is getting the hand of it. She still doesn't crawl, but she is learning this butt scoot thing.
The weather is finally getting a bit nicer and one day we spent the afternoon outside. She couldn't stop laughing! She thought it was hilarious to walk off the curb and splash in the puddles.
She also spent some time trying to bond with my parents cat. Loui is a pretty scared, overweight kitty and was not a fan of all the attention she wanted to lavish on him. He would hiss at her and pretty soon Ellie was hissing back. Super entertaining interaction. Whenever she sees a cat she will giggle and squeal with delight.

New Kitty Shirt, SHE LOVES CATS!

Table and chair set Rand made. 

"Amelia Earheart"

Reading with Dad. 

Birthday party!

Unsure about Quedoba..

Multitasking in Grandpa's new wagon. 

One of her favorite passtimes-taking all my cards out. 

Birthday smiles on our roadtrip home from the cities. 

Cherry Berry to celebrate turning one!

Casual Dining. 

Attitude. 

This month has seemed so long! We have gone from winter, to spring, to winter, to spring. Rand just got back from a week long conference in Montreal for work and so Ellie and I spent some time, just the two of us. I was petrified to be alone with her that long, but I found myself very surprised through out the week. I was able to figure out activities that would be honoring for me and was able to ask for help so that I could have some mommy breaks. It was really neat to build that confidence and see that I was capable of doing things I didn't feel capable of even 6 months ago. Rand's parents provided a lot of support and one night they did an overnight with Ellie. It was our first night apart and it was heavenly to sleep in past our normal routine. I also savored some sweet time with friends, a trip to the cities, some meals out, and a pampering getting a mani and pedi. One thing that struck me as I sat in tears after Rand left was seeing how much of an idol he is to me. While intimacy with my best friend is something I think is a huge dimension of marriage, I realized how much I turn to him to meet all my emotional needs in a way that he wasn't designed to fill this side of heaven. I savored some sweet time with Jesus confessing that, sharing some deep parts of my heart with him and basking in the love, comfort, and peace he offers.

Another event we enjoyed this month was finding out that we are expecting baby #2 on November 11th, making me 10 weeks along this week! So cheers to reproduction, this season of morning sickness, puking after changing diapers, sensory overload, and the pendulum of craving everything under the sun to not being able to eat anything at all. The reality that we are not entitled to a healthy pregnancy or child has really struck me this pregnancy, making the sweet moment meeting our tiny person over ultrasound and hearing it's heartbeat one of thanksgiving and joy.

Little arms and legs!