Updates: 14 Weeks & 13 Months

As I start to type I am struck by a desire to perform. To write the things I think you might want to hear or even to preform for myself and write the things that I think I should write about.

Those things really suffocate my soul. My true self gets lost beneath that performance and it makes my heart sad to think about.

So here are some things that I would like to share:

Rand and I really enjoy watching The Voice on Monday and Tuesday evenings. We laugh and joke and pretend like we know something about music and singing... we don't, although I think I am able to carry a tune. I find myself rooting for everyone really hardcore. Sometimes, when the people are voted off I start to tear up. Maybe I am more emotional this pregnancy, but I like to think that my heart for other's dreams are growing.

I really enjoy my NuBody Class at the YMCA. It's like zumba on drugs. One thing that I notice is that typically when I am headed to the gym I want it to be really apparent that I am pregnant.  Part of it is because, hey, I'm pregnant and proud. But the other part that I notice makes me sad. I feel like when I start showing I will have more value as a person. That people will notice me and think more highly of me. I want this to look like feeling damn good just for being me not feeling good just because I'm going to be a mother of 2. So, thats a process that I am in right now. I notice that I don't try and feed the voice that wants to preform as much for other's sakes. Instead, I sort of tell Jesus whats going on in my heart and confess it. Then I start doing my thing again.

As for the rest of pregnancy. It's going just fine. Really feeling grateful for an OB that I trust and that is honest. We have gotten to have two ultrasound's done so far and the baby is healthy! It was even moving around on our last one. I have lost about 5-8 pounds so far, but I am slowly regaining my apetite. My morning sickness is all gone!!! And my bump is starting to pop.

The proudest accomplishment I may have personally had this month was finishing up all my in completes from last spring when I had Ellie.
 More then finishing, perhaps, was feeling like I wrote my final two papers from my heart.
Not just writing what I knew would satisfy my professors, but writing from the soul of what I was learning and translating it into academia.
My first paper was on Existential Theory in Treating Codependency & my last paper was creating a legit Non-Profit business plan.
The pace of completing my Master's Degree feels painfully slow at times. But I am learning how to stay alive in the process and I find myself getting to savor my experience instead of sprinting through it. One more elective, an independent study project, and my internship are all that are left!

I noticed that this was the first year that any sort of celebration has felt so sweet.
My birthday and mother's day were two events this past month that went down and they contained really precious memories. In the past I felt a heavy pressure whenever something like a birthday came up. It felt like it was the one day of the year where my voice and longings could be heard and were desired.
But as Freedom is becoming more real for me I'm noticing that the other 364 days of the year are special too.
That my voice is important then too and that I have choices and decisions. I'm tearing up as I write this because I feel like as Jesus as brining me towards that I have the ability to receive.
Receive from Rand.
Receive from others.
Experience intimacy.
Picking out flowers on mothers day. Working in the garden. Getting dirt under my nails. Getting a family canvas on my birthday and eating ham and cheese mac'n'cheese. Sitting in the sweet sunlight in the yard watching Ellie kick the soccer ball and reading a book. Having a picnic. Treats. They were just treats.

Another thing. A month is a really long time. It goes by so fast and so slow! I realize that this month I have had quite a few of those sob-on-the-floor-in-the-corner-and-cry moments.  There is a lot of pain in my heart. There is the big stuff, like maybe childhood losses that are triggered by simple phrases or moods. But this month I have discovered an even deeper loss that grieves my soul. I'm reading this book by Larry Crab called "Finding God". I'll preface this quote with some background knowledge. I've heard from some people I resepect that Larry Crab is a pretty wise man. I started reading his book and got so angry with it I had to stop, only after some pretty choice words. I digested what I thought he was saying before proceeding to the next chapter. Here I encountered something that both broke my heart and put words to my pain:

"Rather, it is the pain of someone who wants to enjoy pleasure he cannot find and who fears that misery seems inevitable and perhaps deserved. It is pain that makes us stand still and think about something outside of ourselves, something ore important and more interesting than our concerns about who we are and how we're getting on. It is pain that compels us to ask terrifying questions about life and God" (page 30).

I heard in this so many things that I am tasting now. Even if my childhood and life up until this point would have been perfect, my heart was created for a pleasure that I cannot find here. In my family of orgin, in my husband, in school, in our children, in a nicer car, a bigger house, the most hipster mom clothes, a perfect body, or in the way that I desire relationships. And that, that is a pain that I feel heaviest in my heart. I can get bits that provide some pleasure, but never near what I was designed for. The loss of that is heartbreaking. And that stirs a hopelessness inside of me. That pain is wretched. But it is that same pain that is compelling me towards something even bigger -- God. I find myself so curious about him lately. And I find myself getting tastes of something that offers that is far more and bigger then what I imagined he was capable of. As the wounds in my heart grow bigger then I ever imaged He is also growing bigger and sweeter than I ever imagined. And that, that is The God that I want and who is worthy of receiving all of me and everything about me.

So I think those are the things that I want to share. Oh and that my dreams at night are crazy weird. I can't even begin to talk about them.

Ellie is just a gem. My favorite memories were probably from today and this past weekend this month.
She desperately wanted to help us paint the wood for our garden so we through her in some junky clothes and gave her a little paintbrush. She was just delighted. It was so sweet. She would dip her brush in the paint and try and paint the wood, just like mommy and daddy. Then she started dipping it in the water and not the paint and we had to modify a bit. After, she enjoyed a naked run through our sprinkler with Kia. It is incredibly strange how similar she is to that puppy. I think at one point they were both peeing in the yard.  And today, she walked up to Rand and gave him a huge kiss and then gave me one. The open mouth kind.

Other big things we are noticing this month:

Not only does she understand a lot of words, but she is starting to use a lot more words. Her babbles are changing to a more conversational flow and she responds to our questions in some form. She likes to say, "Bubye", baba (Baby), Hi, Momma, Dadda, Up (for up and help), ba (sheep), Kiitt (Kitty) and she has a clear understanding of snack, eat, water, farm, Kia, Puppy, outside, shoe, lets get dressed (she runs away), lets change your diaper (she runs), Flush and Brush she mixes up because they are both in the bathroom. This development has been the most exciting because she seems that much more independent.

She really enjoys Kia and they will laugh and play together during the day. She started kicking the soccer ball around this month and enjoys it when I play against Kia with the ball.

She enjoys shoes and carrying things in bags. She has her own kitty bag that she totes around and a green purse she likes to fill. She loves to take out shoes and likes to carry them around or try and put them on.

She had her 1 year check up and they noticed that the tubes in her ears aren't shaped how they should be. This could be what is causing her ear infections so we are continuing to monitor that. Poor girl! She is close to the 90th percentile for both her height and weight. She is also getting her 5th and 6th teeth right now.

She likes to carry her blankies around and snuggle.

Came home to this!

Loves her farm set. 

First time she fell asleep on her own watching a t.v. show. So out of character!

She is into feeding herself like mom and dad...

Her scrunch face. 

My birthday breakfast. Made me cry. 

The rest of my morning after garage saling and Ellie napping. 

Playmates.

Loves this red ball.

Playing some soccer with her hands. 

Twerkin'

Likes to put grass in a plastic bag like mommy does when she picks up kia's poop.

Playtime in our new grill's box.

Family workday.

Taking a break.

Head bonk on the cement.

Helping us paint!

Naked Baby!

ONE YEAR: Birthday and Baby #2!

Ellie seems like a full blown toddler now! My favorite nickname for her is Bug, short for love bug. She walks everywhere, sometimes even runs, and is really showing her personality. She loves walking up to new people and just staring or being near them. We celebrated her birthday the week before and had some of her favorite foods, friends, and family. She enjoyed the cake, but wasn't very interested in opening up presents. Her dad made her own table and chair set and one of her new favorite gifts is a farm set she got. She likes to try and make the noises the animals make that I think she learned from all the times we have read her Favorite book Moo, Ba, Lalala

One big thing this month is that we have fully transitioned to whole milk. We're learning some new thins in this process, like how quickly whole milk can spoil. She has been given sour milk a few too many times!
We have had a few more ear infections this month and some high fevers because of the new tooth she is getting.
Lots and lots of head bruises. If Rand could put her in a helmet, I think he would! Lots of head bonks into the wall  corners and other objects.
She seems to really enjoy her time at the YMCA with friends while mommy works out. Sometimes I'll get a wave goodbye, but most of the time she just starts to play! I'm really thankful that it's easy for both of us now.
Before bed she has snuggle time with dad with her purple blankie. She hugs onto his shoulder and just want to be held, rocked and sung to before sleepy time.
She loves to dance to the only movie she will watch, baby einstein. She rocks back and fourth and shakes her head.
She is learning how to play hide and seek and a sort of tag game.
She likes to hide under her blanket and say "where is Ellie" until she takes of her blankie.
Her communication style is a variations of grunts, ahhs, and pointing. I have a feeling when she starts to learn more words she will have a lot of them. She has started to say dadda and ba, for bye. She really likes to wave bubye.
She really enjoys playing with kia. They laugh and play together.  Sometimes she will grab her and put her face into her fur.
She is starting to run away from me when it is time to get dressed, put her coat on, or change her diaper.
She is learning lots about electronics. She loves to hold the xbox controller, turn the t.v off and on, take my phone, and play a game on my iPad.
She still doesn't like pulling herself up to standing, but she is getting the hand of it. She still doesn't crawl, but she is learning this butt scoot thing.
The weather is finally getting a bit nicer and one day we spent the afternoon outside. She couldn't stop laughing! She thought it was hilarious to walk off the curb and splash in the puddles.
She also spent some time trying to bond with my parents cat. Loui is a pretty scared, overweight kitty and was not a fan of all the attention she wanted to lavish on him. He would hiss at her and pretty soon Ellie was hissing back. Super entertaining interaction. Whenever she sees a cat she will giggle and squeal with delight.

New Kitty Shirt, SHE LOVES CATS!

Table and chair set Rand made. 

"Amelia Earheart"

Reading with Dad. 

Birthday party!

Unsure about Quedoba..

Multitasking in Grandpa's new wagon. 

One of her favorite passtimes-taking all my cards out. 

Birthday smiles on our roadtrip home from the cities. 

Cherry Berry to celebrate turning one!

Casual Dining. 

Attitude. 

This month has seemed so long! We have gone from winter, to spring, to winter, to spring. Rand just got back from a week long conference in Montreal for work and so Ellie and I spent some time, just the two of us. I was petrified to be alone with her that long, but I found myself very surprised through out the week. I was able to figure out activities that would be honoring for me and was able to ask for help so that I could have some mommy breaks. It was really neat to build that confidence and see that I was capable of doing things I didn't feel capable of even 6 months ago. Rand's parents provided a lot of support and one night they did an overnight with Ellie. It was our first night apart and it was heavenly to sleep in past our normal routine. I also savored some sweet time with friends, a trip to the cities, some meals out, and a pampering getting a mani and pedi. One thing that struck me as I sat in tears after Rand left was seeing how much of an idol he is to me. While intimacy with my best friend is something I think is a huge dimension of marriage, I realized how much I turn to him to meet all my emotional needs in a way that he wasn't designed to fill this side of heaven. I savored some sweet time with Jesus confessing that, sharing some deep parts of my heart with him and basking in the love, comfort, and peace he offers.

Another event we enjoyed this month was finding out that we are expecting baby #2 on November 11th, making me 10 weeks along this week! So cheers to reproduction, this season of morning sickness, puking after changing diapers, sensory overload, and the pendulum of craving everything under the sun to not being able to eat anything at all. The reality that we are not entitled to a healthy pregnancy or child has really struck me this pregnancy, making the sweet moment meeting our tiny person over ultrasound and hearing it's heartbeat one of thanksgiving and joy.

Little arms and legs! 

11 Months: Almost a Year!

This morning Starbucks didn't have decaf, so I am currently fritzing out under the caffeine of a Venti iced coffee, the fumes of nail polish remover, the scent of the gold sparkly nailpolish I put on, and the new prescription of my Burke Warby Parker glasses. I'm pretty sure the equivalency of this would be expressing yourself while on... crack. Bear with me on this one.

My favorite memory this month was on Valentines Day. Her dadd got her a single red rose and a pink bear. A man who is romancing his sweet little girl, it melts my heart.

She loves ketchup packets and hot sauce packets from taco john. We have some in a drawer and she has proudly pulled them out and placed them in her favorite spots throughout the house; on her mini-table, in a few boxes, and given them to Kia.

She does this affectionate head bump thing where she taps her forehead to yours.

She has her top two teeth in now, along with her bottom too. She is weighing in at 22 # and is 31 inches long.

Takes a lot of steps on her own now. She can cruise, pretty much all over.  Sometimes she will still look back at us, with this look of can I do it? Watching her build that confidence is just so incredible. Were so proud of her!

She really doesn't like her socks. She enjoys pulling them off.

Loves to feed Kia food especially Cheerios.

Favorites this month: Kitties, Her books I love you through and through, Goodnight I love you, brushing her teeth, baby Einstein movies. 

Felt like this month has had the most sleepless nights. Between teething, a few ear infections, and getting a virus, we've all been sleepy and more cranky.

We're transitioning from nursing to whole milk. I find myself more on guard during our nursing sessions this month. With her top two chompers, we're both learning how to adjust, so that mommy doesn't get bitten. Learning this has been pretty painful for mommy! Ouch.

Loves wearing mommy's glasses!

Sick baby!

Reading her favorite book in bed!

Who knew boxes could provide so much entertainment. 

How she feels about her pony tails!

New shirt. 

Enjoyed cheering on UND to a Big Sky Conference win!

Auntie Angie came for a visit.

Daddy and Ellie

We really savor our weekend and have started to fall into a routine on Saturday mornings. I get to slip off and enjoy exercise classes at the YMCA. There is a dance class I absolutely love, but I am starting to explore others, like swimming and cycling. Exercise really speaks to my soul and I find is the best way to refuel my tank, nothing like sweating and being with people. Sometimes afterward I will take my time getting ready for the day, grab coffee, run an errand, or catch up with a friend. I can't even begin to tell you how much I enjoy this time.  Ellie gets to spend time with her two favorite men, her daddy and grandpa. They typically all head out to a local breakfast place to eat and catch up on each other's lives.

The space we have in the basement is starting to turn. Rand has enjoyed setting up his shop in the basement and has enjoyed building things and having the space and tools to tinker. Likewise, I have started to set up space to paint and sew, two things that often terrify me. I can easily turn a small pinterest project into the feelings one might have when trying to develop a plan to save America. Often, I am able to catch myself in that process and have gotten to taste and enjoy the freedom of expression. Rand and I are currently working on a fabric bookshelf and a wooden table and chair set. I've found new inspiration as I plug away at my master's degree, dreaming more about what it will look like to finish, and Rand has continued to work with his partner on their business.  With more daylight and warm weather I have a feeling the dreams will keep flowing and the dreary feeling winter brought will be gone soon!