11 Months: Almost a Year!

This morning Starbucks didn't have decaf, so I am currently fritzing out under the caffeine of a Venti iced coffee, the fumes of nail polish remover, the scent of the gold sparkly nailpolish I put on, and the new prescription of my Burke Warby Parker glasses. I'm pretty sure the equivalency of this would be expressing yourself while on... crack. Bear with me on this one.

My favorite memory this month was on Valentines Day. Her dadd got her a single red rose and a pink bear. A man who is romancing his sweet little girl, it melts my heart.

She loves ketchup packets and hot sauce packets from taco john. We have some in a drawer and she has proudly pulled them out and placed them in her favorite spots throughout the house; on her mini-table, in a few boxes, and given them to Kia.

She does this affectionate head bump thing where she taps her forehead to yours.

She has her top two teeth in now, along with her bottom too. She is weighing in at 22 # and is 31 inches long.

Takes a lot of steps on her own now. She can cruise, pretty much all over.  Sometimes she will still look back at us, with this look of can I do it? Watching her build that confidence is just so incredible. Were so proud of her!

She really doesn't like her socks. She enjoys pulling them off.

Loves to feed Kia food especially Cheerios.

Favorites this month: Kitties, Her books I love you through and through, Goodnight I love you, brushing her teeth, baby Einstein movies. 

Felt like this month has had the most sleepless nights. Between teething, a few ear infections, and getting a virus, we've all been sleepy and more cranky.

We're transitioning from nursing to whole milk. I find myself more on guard during our nursing sessions this month. With her top two chompers, we're both learning how to adjust, so that mommy doesn't get bitten. Learning this has been pretty painful for mommy! Ouch.

Loves wearing mommy's glasses!

Sick baby!

Reading her favorite book in bed!

Who knew boxes could provide so much entertainment. 

How she feels about her pony tails!

New shirt. 

Enjoyed cheering on UND to a Big Sky Conference win!

Auntie Angie came for a visit.

Daddy and Ellie

We really savor our weekend and have started to fall into a routine on Saturday mornings. I get to slip off and enjoy exercise classes at the YMCA. There is a dance class I absolutely love, but I am starting to explore others, like swimming and cycling. Exercise really speaks to my soul and I find is the best way to refuel my tank, nothing like sweating and being with people. Sometimes afterward I will take my time getting ready for the day, grab coffee, run an errand, or catch up with a friend. I can't even begin to tell you how much I enjoy this time.  Ellie gets to spend time with her two favorite men, her daddy and grandpa. They typically all head out to a local breakfast place to eat and catch up on each other's lives.

The space we have in the basement is starting to turn. Rand has enjoyed setting up his shop in the basement and has enjoyed building things and having the space and tools to tinker. Likewise, I have started to set up space to paint and sew, two things that often terrify me. I can easily turn a small pinterest project into the feelings one might have when trying to develop a plan to save America. Often, I am able to catch myself in that process and have gotten to taste and enjoy the freedom of expression. Rand and I are currently working on a fabric bookshelf and a wooden table and chair set. I've found new inspiration as I plug away at my master's degree, dreaming more about what it will look like to finish, and Rand has continued to work with his partner on their business.  With more daylight and warm weather I have a feeling the dreams will keep flowing and the dreary feeling winter brought will be gone soon!

Month 10: Walking

Our little girl is walking! She took her first steps on January 27th and the first one's all by herself on February 5th. She really did skip the crawling phase. It has opened up a new world for us of adventure, played, pretend, and longer naps! She went from 45 minute naps twice a day to 1.5-2 hour naps twice a day. Walking around is tiring work.
Her favorite things to do are:

Open and close doors boxes, taking things out and putting them back in

Walk around the furniture throughout the main floor of our house. She is especially fascinated by the gate to the kitchen and spends so much time opening and closing it. 

Share her food at the table and pull food out of her bib.
Pass around "invisible food" to mom and dad.

Listen to me tinkle and flush when I go to the bathroom. She gets this huge grin.  

Have convos with Kia. They will bark back and fourth at each other.
Snuggle in on mom's soft "animal skin" jacket before her naps.

Mom's Favorite things to do with her:

Cuddle with her in the mornings when we are all just waking up.
See her excited face- she scrunches her face, snorts, and inhales and exhales loudly.
Watch her learn to do new things. Whenever Rand and her spend time together it seems like she learns something new! I feel so proud of her as she accomplishes new things and discovers what she is capable of.
Her her say Momma.
Family hugs with her and Rand.
Meal time games.
Dancing with her to the latest tunes.


This month I have felt more weary and I have felt desperate to gulp in deep breathes of grace to make it through some of these long winter days. It seems like there is always something to grieve each day. It could be Ellie waking up early or multiple times during the night and grieving not feeling rested. It could be Kia and her regression in potty training. Having it be too cold to want to leave the house. Not getting to connect with people in the way I long. It could be not getting to connect with Rand in the way I long because we are just wiped. Those just feel like the small daily things, but they are usually in tandem with other deeper griefs. I feel grateful for a heart that is being transformed and that has been able to treat myself with gentleness and compassion this month. My beautiful family is so precious to me and I feel so grateful that my ability to love is growing.

Loves putting things on her head. 

Scrunchy/I've got teeth on the top now face.

My Big Little Girl. 

Casually walking from the living room to the kitchen. NBD.

Month 9: Growing, Growing, Growing

I didn't know that it was possible to have the amount of love I have for Ellie and to only have it continue to grow. I am so proud of the little baby she is and the little toddler she is becoming. I have tears even as I write that, just thinking of our sweet girl.

She loves to eat her vegetables. Broccoli is her favorite, but she seems to eat up any of the mixes we give her.

She delights in walking around everywhere. She grasps your hands above her head and walks forward, pulling you, with her precious little head leading the way. Her new favorite spot to bring you is to the toilet, so she is starting to get acquainted with the words "No" and "ishta", as her daddy says.

We like to yell at the table together as a family.  Ellie will grunt, then me, and then Rand. It gets progressively louder and slowly more out of control with dance moves, hand shakes, and songs emerging.

She is such a healthy little girl and a superb eater. She set a new meal time PR, clocking in over 60 minutes of steady food intake at lunch. 'Atta girl!

She adores pulling books off the shelf and "reading" them.  This typically looks like her pulling them off and turning all the pages while humming and then starting all over--warms my heart.

She's getting fast! Rand mentioned that faster than he could grab it, she had snagged a piece of lint and put it in her mouth.

She likes to throw her food on the floor when she is all done eating. Kia is starting to get the hang of it too and snatches up the scraps.

She is learning high fives and likes to shake her head back and fourth.

She has mastered the words "Ba Ba" and "mama". Still working on the dada thing.

She has figured out how to turn when she is sitting on her butt! Were thinking she is going to skip this whole crawling thing.

Bath time bible character. 

Christmas giddup.

New Hat and... bag.

"Skating"

Auntie and mommy's hat.

Morning "real talk"

Pulling wipes out while watching daddy play bball.

Ellie "selfie".

She will play with my hair and snuggle into my neck when she is tired or when she wakes up.  Honestly, I cannot tell you anything that is more precious to my heart.

She has discovered technology.  She enjoys swiping her hands on my phone and iPad.

Her favorite book to read is "I love you through and through" and we often read it before bed time.

This month included vet trips, flu shots, wisdom teeth removal, Rand battling with a long cold, and the renewal of our weekly evening routine that includes a graduate course, bible studies, basketball, exercise classes, dates to nana's and papa's, a Thursday date night and business meetings.

How are our hearts doing? Well, mine at least feels pretty lively. I'm getting to experience the true emotion this life brings--it's dips and rises of both grief and joy.


Rand and I often speak of our deep love for our little girl.  Nothing seems more precious to us both! The idea of adding more little tikes to our mix skirts between the actions of jumping up and down and melting. I can't wait to fill our little house full of precious little hearts. Bunkbeds, mini-vans, and creating a space where little souls can develop into their destinies are what my heart desperately longs for.

I can't tell you the amount of times this month where I have sobbed over the heartbreaks a broken world creates. "These precious, vulnerable children who have nothing to offer but themselves-their need, their trust, and their love. "

Stories of miscarriages, stories of molestation, shopping trips where I see a child being shamed, a broken welfare system, the suffering of children facing disease, my own childhood pain-- these things make my heart cry out. Why suffering?

We were created for perfection and this world is not that place and it brings my heart to a place of question.

"God you say you use all things for your good, but this? How can you use this, My Lord. These innocent children."

There seems to be no response enough that I am able to wrap my head around the raw pain of this world, the raw pain in my own heart.

A quote I read recently struck something in my heart:

"One of the most profound effects of being deeply connected to God is a renewed sense of our own preciousness. When I know and can believe God cherishes me as a beloved child, I can know and believe in my worth as a person.  A young child learns to place value on whatever his or her parents value.  Self-worth is a product of consistent love from one's parents or other significant adult children can't generate it themselves." 

(Bondage to Bonding pg. 144)

How I am seeing the father renew my preciousness to him.
Where shame wants to seize and once seemed to have such power in my life, he is filling with hope.
I am beginning to realize that I am enough. I am his beloved. I am so valuable. That reality seems to grip my soul in a new way and is creating an ability to love in new ways.

How my heart longs to be sturdy enough for our children that they too too can know their preciousness to us, yes, but to God, as well.  This side of heaven I know that as parents, Rand and I won't do that perfectly, but I am confident in the work Christ is doing.

Amist the broken realities of this world He truly does make "all things new".

I will continue to offer him the tears that the losses and griefs this broken world bring. I trust him with my heart and I trust him with our heart as a family.  I am eager to see where he continues to bring us, the areas of our lives that he continues to redeem, and for us to MULTIPLY in number ;)
Cheers to more babies.

Month 8: The holidays

Well, we're fully moved into our new house. After coming home from our latest travels we walked into the house and I thought "man, is this really ours?" I guess you can say it still hasn't quite set in, but it also feels oddly normal. I don't really understand how both of those can exist, but they do. Ellie is changing so much. My sweet girl seems to have changed the most these past few weeks and even past few days. She is such a delight.

Her favorite thing to sag is bah bah bah In a high pitched voice. She really exentuates the mouth movements, puckering her upper lip and opening her mouth really wide. 

She learned to blow pretend bubbles after watching her nana chew her gum. 

She gives me beautifully sloppy open mouth kisses on my cheeks and greets me with wonderful hugs if I have been gone for a while.  

She laughs and squeals when rand and I smooch. I think he's the most thrilled about that one ;)

She treats her baby walker like a bumper car. She is such a hoot in it, motoring around everywhere, chasing Kia, and charging  at people. Watch out!

She is learning to walk and fall. I've noticed this has been the scariest development for me so far. Letting her learn to fall is so hard, I really want to encase her in bubble wrap so she never feels pain. So slowly I have been able to let her experience the joys of independence. Rand suggested we try a helmet. I said, what about her face. Then he suggested a face mask. Ha. 

She can say Momma! It's so incredibly sweet to have that name fall from her lips!

She recently got a pair of crocs so we both match. Hers are a lot purple and mine are purple. 

She really has taken an interest in reading books and enjoys flipping the pages.

We have been teaching her to sign but she hasn't really caught on. When she is full she moves her head to one side and won't open her mouth back up. 

We're teaching her to high five and she is staring to catch on! 

She loves holding your hand and speed walking to different parts of the room. 

She is starting to be able to focus on things and tasks for longer periods of time. She enjoys playing with her close pins and blocks, dumping them out of containers and putting them back in.

Her favorite foods are avacados and bananas, 

She enjoyed her first ice skating experience with us. We were in skates and she was in a sled and then... She fell asleep, staring up at the sky!

The holidays were wholesome. We enjoyed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Grandma and grandpa seay, uncle Bryn, and auntie Alys. Such sweet memories. games, food dipping, a fondue night, yummy food, communion, toasts, Christmas light watching, monsters university, and skating were just a few of the fun things we did. Our dear friends Whit and Kyle visited us for a short and very wholesome weekend too. 

A trip to my parents house in the twin cities capped everything off. We enjoyed shopping trips to ikea, trader joes, the mall of America, yummy meals prepared by my mom and our our favorite Chinese takeout and punch on New Year's Eve. such a sweet time with family. Especially my younger sister. What a sweet lady she is. My favorite part of the weekend was a quick escape one morning to dun bros where I spent some time journaling and reading.

It felt like a whirlwind of a holiday season. Moving, Christmas, friends, and family. I find myself still processing these past 4 weeks. My heart feels heavy grief over the time being over and return to normal life. Goodbyes are hard especially with those we love and I find my heart feeling heavy over the departures experienced this past month. I would never take any of the sweet memories of this past month back. There is such beauty with my heart coming alive to that grief. I finally get to taste the sweetness of true relationship with others. To be loved and to love. That is the source of this love sweet Jesus. 

 So I have allowed myself to sit in the pain of that grief today and letting the tears fall as they will.

 And I would do it again and again. 

Month 7. Teeth & Moving Day Around the Corner

I love this nugget more and more each day. Seriously, she blows me away.

Her bottom two teeth are coming in! No crazy stories to go along with it either.  They just sort of popped through.

She doesn't seem to like to be touched as often. She despises putting on clothes. She has started pushing your hand away if you try and touch her tummy or hair.

She fights sleep. Most days she takes two twenty minute naps. Sometime three, but honestly, I don't know how she's not more exhausted during the day!

Her new favorite food is a rice cake. She goes crazy over them. I started pureeing my own foods this month too and it has been fun.  Squash, pumpkin, banana, are just a few. 

She is learning to play differently with her toys. She's able to interact with them more purposefully. It's so exciting to watch this part of her change.

She hasn't quite figured out how to roll around and crawl, but she is starting to figure it out. Her world is getting bigger. 

Daddy likes to sing his good morning song to her when she wakes up. It goes:
"Good morning, Lou, how are you? I hope your doing well. We hope you slept real good and your ready for the day 'cause its morn-ing time!" 

Shes been waking up again more in the night. It will be refreshing to let her cry it out more often when her bedrooms neighboring  wall isn't the neighbors.

She likes to talk to herself more while she is playing. Sometimes it seems like she is saying hi or all done.

We're teaching her signs for words like milk, all done, more and change. Rand had been teaching her more and we thought she had caught on some, but most of the time she doesn't seem to notice.

After her early morning feeding, she has been coming into our room to snuggle with us while we wake up. Probably my favorite part of the day.

A friend of mine was soothing her the other day by having her sway back and fourth standing and she seems to really enjoy that. Now she's starting to add little steps to it, which is fun. 

She started pooping solid! In some sense it's a plus because it's not as messy, but MAN does it smell.

Her hair is starting to get a lot longer and thicker.  Today it was tussled and going all sorts of directions.  Were not sure if she is going to have wavier hair like her dad or not. 

She went the the a YMCAs child are for the first time while mommy worked out the other day. It was really exciting for both her and I!

I sort of realized how my image is so import to me and I have felt my sin carry over unto Ellie, with more of a weight being put on how she looks to...well you reading this blog, the people at Target, or my instagram followers.
Little things like, headbands, cute baby clothes, the latest and greatest stuff, often come from a place of image management and making sure that I come across in a hipster mom sort of mom way.
So, basically, I have noticed that operating inside me.
 Cute baby stuff, nope, not wrong at all, but I have started to sense that energy behind my instagram pictures and latest purchases.
It typically is accompanied by a sort of panicky feeling or not feeling okay if ___.
The longing in my heart is for her to know she is treasured just as she is because she is.
So, as Jesus has started showing me this, it has been neat to watch him lead my heart into his confidence and security of who I really am and watch that overflow unto how I interact, and well, dress Ellie. So there is some heart stuff for you. 

Were closing our house TOMORROW!
By Sunday night, we will be out of our apartment and in our own home. It feels crazy. It's been incredible to reflect on the process, together, Rand and I. It feels really neat to have accomplished such a feat as a team, leaning together, alongside each other? Asking for help, when needed, but allowing ourselves to sit in the process of being first time homebuyers together has allowed a new strength and confidence to emerge in our marriage, It's been messy. We've felt, well a lot of things ranging from obscenities to tears of happiness, but it's nearly here at the doorstep and were overjoyed!

I recently joined a fitness center and have truly been loving my me time of exercising and burning off steam. A membership gets you access to both choice fitness and the YMCA, but I am noticing I favor the Y more. The atmosphere seems a lot more relaxed and less showy. AND. The child care is free. I am eager to continue to find classes that I enjoy and enjoy fulfilling the movement my body seems to crave by the end of the day. Going to new classes can feel intimidating, but I find my heart more ready to enter that anxious feeling. It's neat to see Jesus teaching my heart to trust him.

We spent Thanksgiving in the cities with my parents and savored some time with extended family, playing games, and eating lots of yummy carbs.  My sister got back from Italy on Thanksgiving day and it was incredibly special to get to spend a lot of time with her. Another highlight was gettting to go to Trader Joes. Seriously, if they were only in Grand Forks...Ellie is a pretty good traveler and the trip there and back were wonderful. Hopefully someday soon we will be making the commute in a killer van. But seriously, I really want a van. Sliding doors would be heaven.

First thing that is going up in our house is the Christmas Tree and hopefully the next thing is a kitty. OUR HOUSE! Eek. 

Daddy's warby parker try ons :)

Meat Pie Party.

This face.

Family Time in Stillwater.

Bubble Vest. 

First Halloween.

Grandpa Time at Thanksgiving. 

Auntie Time. 

6.5 Months: House!

We have a closing date on a house! I'm sure Ellie's cuteness is what sealed the deal ;) The story goes like this.  We were working with a realtor for about 2 months and really didn't find much.  One day, I went on craigslist and this house popped up.

4 bedroom/2 bath. 2000 square feet. large, fenced in yard, with a deck. In a prime spot near Starbucks... and an elementary school, park, and pool. And it was move-in ready, with all of our must-haves and a few bonus wish list items, like an attached garage, laundry shoot, and fireplace. Just a sturdy, solid little, home.  The kind you can imagine your kids growing up in for the first 10 years of their lives.

The lady and her husband have two young kids and wanted to find a cute young couple they could envision living in it. And, we just so happen to fit that bill and had the bonus of an adorable baby, with a poncho and sparkly shoes. In all honesty, they really are good, trustworthy people.  So they have accepted our offer and we're in the process of the other junk, like the appraisal and working on loan stuff. While there still are some contingencies, basically meaning things that could happen to make the contract no longer valid, we will hopefully be moving into a home before Christmas, on December 5th.

Its weird, I thought I would be more ecstatic.
Don't get me wrong,
I FREAKIN CAN'T WAIT,
but I found myself thinking the last few weeks, man, I sort of like our apartment. Who knew. So I'm really praying things go smoothly and work out with this home so we don't have to start all over, but Rand and I are feeling pretty at peace about it.  Also weird.

Ellie is doing just great. My favorite thing about her is that she loves fuzzy things, namely, cats.  She comes uncorked when she sees one. She likes to grab a big tuft of hair, if she is left unsupervised with one, but we can usually pry her hand off ;)  Our plan is to get her a cute little kitty for Christmas and I can't wait.

She is starting to stand up on, supporting herself on her own against things.

Her dad likes to call her snuggums and squirrel because she is such a good cuddler and because she squirms around so much.

Were finding out that she is really tall for her age.  We went to the doctor and a little one year old was sitting nearby and she was the same size as her.  She tops the chart over the 95% tile for both height and weight.

When she gets excited she opens up her mouth and kind of smiles and squeels.

If you catch her when she is getting sleepy, she is super cuddly. If you are holding her upright, sometimes she will squeeze you with her legs and arms and put her mouth on your shoulder, kissing you.  I basically melt.

She really does not like it when you with hold her ability to exert her will; which all and all means, that she doesn't like it when you get her dressed for the day or bedtime, diaper changes, or wiping the squash off her face.

Her preference is to sit in her car seat on walks over sitting in the stroller.  I think it's because she likes to see our faces.

She likes to eat Micah's car toys. I thought it was the metal for a while, but she likes any of them these days. It's pretty precious.

She is still primarily nursing, but we try to give her baby food at lunch and dinner.  She also has had her first bites of puff popcorn and halloween cookies.

For halloween she starred Wilson, the volleyball from Castaway and won us the prize money; $12 that will hopefully make it into her college or counseling fund ;)

On Sunday, without thinking I said something to the effect of "We need to take more pictures of Ellie, we don't have enough from the fall".  Rand sort of chucked and then I started laughing too. It would be rare that I wouldn't take a picture or video of her a day.

We hosted a few fall events over the past weekends, including a pumpkin decorating party and a halloween party. This last weekend we took a spontaneous trip to visit the twin cities.  By spontaneous I mean, like at 7pm, I threw out the idea and Rand, was in. So we packed a few things and took off. It was a sweet memory I will savor for a while. The spontaneity of it all allowed for limited expectations, making everything a treat. The leaves hadn't all changed yet, so we caught the tail end of their fall, took a little drive down to Stillwater, took the sweetest morning walk at sunrise, did some yoga, and got to visit our dear friends, the Onyshuk's, and catch up over the Vike's game.

It felt like Rand and I were able to process through the whirl wind of life that we have found ourselves caught in these past two and a half years.  Marriage. A kid. New jobs. A house. YOGA. ha.  Part of us has been waiting for a breather, but I'm not sure that's in the agenda.  A new peace is starting to fill us and I really am praising Jesus for the work he is doing.  He really is making us new creations. And experiencing it is instilling a new hope and trust in who He really says I am and who He says he is.

I am not taking on as much of my mess and he, gently, continues to uncover more and more layers of fear, control, and my brokeness.   It's scary-- seeing so much of your stuff; your control and desire to make sure your child is safe, emotionally, and physically, your fear in wanting to pursue your dreams and the things that make you light up.
But it's happening.
I'm seeing it. I'm confessing it. I'm not resisiting as much.  I'm honoring me heart in ways I never thought I would be big enough to.  I'm allowing myself to have a voice, in ways that I never thought I could and it's terrifyingly wonderful. My heart is softening to his love and truth. He is healing my wounded heart. I'm starting to believe he can handle me.
 He is good.

6 Months.

Ellie learned how to stand! It is super precious and I feel so proud of her. Her stance is similiar to a sumo wrestler. She has sort of skipped the stomach lying and turning over phases.

Shes starting to be able to play by herself and is content with some of her big blocks and wooden toys.
She loves tags, strings, and hair
She likes to grab your face.
She likes to smile and giggle
She likes to eat her feet.
She likes to chew on metal trucks.
She is a wiggle monster when we change her diapers. For some reason, this has lead us to a latest nickname of "squirrel". Maybe it's her cute cheeks, maybe its because her latest fall book has a picture of one, and maybe its those wiggles.

They play really well together. 

Her favorite blue block is in the background

First time standing!

My Dad during their visit last weekend.

Enjoying chewing on cars lately. 

I bought her a new hat.

Rand got hired with the North Dakota University System as a web developer. Their office is located on UND's campus.  The position has fully paid health benefits. That means if we wanted to have 18 children, we could. He has two days left at his current job and will be starting this Monday. Our spare time has been filled with viewing houses. "We went to a lot of houses".  Anyone seen that clip? Anyway.
Hopefully we will be in a house before winter, or sooner.  I have an inkling we will, there is one particular house we are pretty found of right now and have decided to put on offer on!

Rand is free to pursue work on the side now and is working with a partner on a design and web development company. So far, they have enough business to keep them busy for a while. They will be forming an LLC soon, which is pretty exciting for them both. I'm sure there will be an unveiling of more details soon.

I don't know if I have any updates on life for me. It's oddly normal. Oh, we have a double stroller now. Thats probably the biggest life changer so far. I no longer strap a baby to me and push the single stroller. That season of life may have been the most exhausting thing;when your caring so much weight on you and pushing a child, it can be pretty harsh. The last time I was this strong surely was when I was playing soccer at UND. Mom shape is pretty intense. Walks seem to be a highlight of my day. I seem to have adjusted to life as a part-time mom to two. Micah, seems to mesh right in and I'm starting to learn what it looks like to love and care for a 1.5 year old; lots of apologizing and confessing my sin. I really am growing fond of him.

Oh, and lately I have taken to crock pot recipes and a roation of about 4 different favorite shirts and pants. It feels, well, nice.

Maybe it's the fall weather, but I'm getting into another cooking/baking kick this week. Who knows where it will take me. But being we now have a red, mini-food processor, I would imagine things to get cray cray up in here.