5 Months.

Spuni. Best prodect EVER. 

Homemade leg warmers and Vikings gear.

Note: improv double stroller does not work. 

Helping daddy write. 

Bear Hat from my dear friend.

Not a happy 5 month birthday. 

two words. Hood rats. 

This is typically how my heart feels and how the apartment looks. CHAOS. 

Figured out how to eat her toes this month..

Sitting up and playing!

Really, I find myself loving my daughter more each day. Sometimes at night I want to just sneak in a few more minutes of cuddling.

This month she learned to sit up all by herself! Rand and I were talking about who she is yesterday and it just seems to like people a lot.  We've noticed that when she wakes up from any sort of nap she is ready to go and start interacting, she quickly gets fussy when "left out" of whatever is going, and
she tends to light up when she is in large groups

Loves being with you engaged and playing.  She enjoys watching Micah and likes to laugh at him.

Has gotten a ton more hair. Pretty soon we will have enough of a tuff to put in a clip!

She is a super heavy wetter at night and we are still trying to figure out a strategy to keep her dry overnight. Almost always her morning "suprise" includes a blowout, not sure if its her pent up force from the nightime or what! Moms getting pretty good at taking at stains.

She likes to sit in her bumbo and hit her heels on the table.  We're not sure if she likes the noise or what, but Rand always thinks it sounds so painful

She likes to put everything in her mouth and things that krinkle, make noises, are tags, and that are cold.

Rand says "she's such a lady" and I say she is "just dainty"

She enjoys talking.

She likes to do this thing, especially after her dinnertime feeding, where she sucks air in noisilly through her mouth and kind of coos. Its always ironic because before she eats she seems just wiped, but afterward she has her second wind.

Seems to get into a trance on walks, mesmerized by life outside.

She can officially be in carts at the store. On our last Target trip I caught her sucking on the germ infested handle... Pretty sure she is now getting her first cold.

While I can definitely say I have gotten stronger, Ellie in her car seat makes for around 30 pounds. We have started leaving her car seat in the car and taking her out, which is a lot easier for us.

She has no interest in standing or her being on her belly and hey, I don't blame her ;)

Enjoys thursdays with Nana and Papa while Rand and I go on dates. Which usually consist of some sort of a drive with the windows down and dreaming.

For Rand and I this season of life has seemed a lot more challenging. Work has been a lot more stressful for Rand and for me having another child around has been an adjustment.  It is really easy to feel like a larger income, a house, a new vacuume, or a food processor will make things better.  We have found ourselves caught up in feeling those things and I can't blame us, but we are both recognizing that those things may distract us for a bit, but the feelings we have will come back. Were learning to feel the rawness of those things and just offer them up to God.

Some things that have filled the month for us have been

Loads of laundry. I cloth diaper and for a while I only had a few inserts, covers, and a baby that has pretty consistent explosions making for the perfect combo of many, many loads and quarters. So excited to have a washer and dryer one day.

This week we did get more cloth diapers. PRAISE THE LORD. I had started using disposables again for a few days because I was so incredibly burnt out.

We have spent some time figuring out what we like and don't like in houses. We have an agent. That just sounds fun to say. A few weeks ago we spent the afternoon looking at 8 different houses and falling in love with one. Perfect neighborhood and beautiful home, but after going back to look again, didn't seem to be the right fit. So, were back on the prowl, and spend some time each week staying on top of what comes onto the market.

I started coaching a little boys soccer team. They are wild and fun. I enjoy the chaos, it ironically fills me up after a long day. We do all sorts of crazy things during games and practice. At a practice last week I was playing show and tell and having each of the boys show off a move and name it. One of the kids, who is about 3.5 feet tall and 40 pounds, showed off his move; you set the ball on the ground, put your hand down, and spin around the ball before kicking it. He named it the dinosaur 3-D 2000. I just about died and while watching the other kids act it out, told them the best time to try that one out during a game would be maybe if they fell down? The kid is just so full of energy.

I've made a few pairs of leg warmers for Eloise out of women's knee high socks. It is a lot easier to change diapers this way.

Rand and I started a new couple's biblestudy through church. Another one of the couples has a little boy who is 6 months name Henry. I know. Cutest name. And his mom cloth diapers! I think we might end up being friends.

I wrote a blog recently about some of the latest internal thoughts. Check it out if you would like.
http://anendlessdialogue.blogspot.com/2013/09/latest-thoughts.html?token=RgF8XUEBAAA.LCl9GnqP-4IkZsoXTOL-Yw.6hkqKE1G1TVfSvUAcc6Pqw&postId=5748952187513974306&type=POST


Here's to a wild october.

4.5 Months. Weeks 16-19.

This little lady is so precious to me! The past few weeks she has seemed to have changed so much. The biggest thing I have noticed is that she really enjoys being with people, she loves to move, and when she wakes up in the morning or from naps, she is just delighted... usually.  She is still waking up about 4 times a night either hungry or needing to be soothed, leaving me pretty tired in the mornings.

Some of the other latest.

When I first pick her up, she tends to squeeze my hips with her legs and grip my shoulder tightly. Our morning hug is one of my favorite parts of the day :)

On labor day, we had a BBQ with family and a few friends and she was in her zone. She giggled, squealed, and thoroughly enjoyed playing with everyone.  Usually she takes naps, but she was awake most of the day and was more interested in interacting and observing then eating.

When she is pooping or farting she likes to hold her breath and push ;)

She has an infatuation with water bottles and is always trying to drink from Rand and my Hydroflasks really.

She has been getting her first tastes of foods.  I let her suck on apples and grapes and have attempted feeding her some tastes of brown rice. Shes not a fan of the brown rice right now.

Her voice is getting much louder.  She loves to squeal, makes noises and giggle.

She likes to throw things. She has a pretty good arm.

I have noticed her get frustrated and angry. She tends to flail around and its kind of cute. She really can kick pretty hard though!

She likes to play kind of agressively. She enjoys airplane rides, sitting in her bumbo and hitting the sides, being shaken from side to side, being held upside down, playing Horsie with daddy, and being hugged tightly.

She loves to bounce!

Favorite Cloth Diaper. Beyonce Bootay

Trying Out her high chair from Grandpa Racine

Nana Laureen's Swing on their new deck

Still loves her pacifier

Bedtime!

Lovin Her Bow.

First time in a swimsuit and at the waterpark

Loves glasses!

Time with Auntie Alys.

Enjoys being outside

Loves her daddy.

Welcome to meal time. 

Just tyring to eat milk jugs. 

Trying out Fruit. 

New Bib.

Likes to raise her hand. 

She attended a few of her first sporting games. She watched her first soccer game at Central cheering on her uncle while he coached ;)

Her first UND game was Women's Volleyball and she seemed to enjoy all the movement and noise. I'm super excited to have another fan by my side this fall.

While the month of July was full of travels, we stuck around Grand Forks and recharged for most of August. Rand's sister Alys was in town from Georgia (and the rest of the world), for a month and we enjoyed our time with her. I miss her already and savored our walks, talks, and time together. What a sweet woman she is!

UND sports have started and Rand, Ellie and I have had the pleasure of going to some volleyball and football games. Can't wait for the first home women's soccer game on Sept. 11!
I am going to start coaching a 1st and 2nd grade boys sunflake soccer team and I am incredibly excited to meet the little nuggets tonight.
Next week I am going to start watching a 1.5 year old little boy named Micah 3 days a week. I'm sure it will have its learning curve, but I am really excited for the adventure that will bring and another playmate for Ellie and I.
Rand recently redid his website and is enjoying learning more about web programming and design. You can check it out here: www.randseay.com
I recently started baking more and have found some creative, fun, and healthy recipes using a website I am in love with www.weelicious.com. This one is fun too, I learned how to can salsa!

We are enjoying the recent cool temps, excited for the upcoming weeks, and for our first fall with our little girl! 

Month 4: Weeks 13-15.

The month of July was filled with travel. A lot of time was spent visiting with my parents, family, and friends in the twin cities. Rand surprised me and we took a spontaneous trip over the fourth to visit my parents and celebrate America. Ellie and I stayed for 10 days and vacationed. And we went to a few weddings.  One of which included a wedding ceremony at a real life vineyard. Yes, we were in minnesota. Yes, it was so incredibly beautiful. No, it was not the same as you see on I love Lucy. Needless to say, we are looking forward to a quieter month.

We all grew fairly accustomed to the five hour stretch. Strategic Rand would ration his water intake and use the salt in sunflower seeds to soak up the liquid and help limit our pit stops. Ellie would typically have the most say in this, though. She makes it pretty known when she is hungry. I was pretty impressed with how tolerable she was in the car. Whenever you hit 65, it kind of intensely vibrates, so I can't blame her. Three side notes I want to say about our car. It is my favorite and I seriously feel cool in it, ha. It is a ford focus 2000 WAGON. Not the back seat rear facing I grew up on, but still a wagon.   It has those family stickers on it, a dad, mom (with a ponytail), and baby.

Here are a few of the latest.

She likes to eat...everything. It has been neat to watch her go from being a non-active participant in the world to someone who interacts, speaks, eats, and watches everything. My favorite development so far.

A favorite memory was the first time I heard her really laugh. My dad had told an horribly lame joke involving not-cho-cheese and started laughing. Ellie proceeded to cackle along with him and pretty soon we were all dying.

She is beginning to laugh and chuckle, more frequently. Sometimes I will leave the room and come back to her cooing and carrying on a conversation...with herself.

I attempted to try and document her sleep and feeding times to create a more predictable schedule, but lately it has seemed to just fall into place. I am still waking up at least twice a night with her, but I find it a lot easier as of late.

She is now completely able to sit in her bumbo chair. She can sit in her bouncer, play thing, but hasn't quite caught the hang of it.

Her favorite book is a rubber animal book that lists like 6 animals.  She lights up when I take it out.  The bird page has a thing in it that tweets and she goes ecstatic when I push it.

Her favorite toy is a plastic seahorse. She loves to rattle it and eat its face.

When she is pooping she grunts and makes a face. Not so sly.

She had her 4 month check up and now weighs nearly 15 lbs and is more then 25 inches long!

Vommitted in Auntie Angie's Hair

Rand's impersonation. 

Bonnet from Auntie Michelle

Minnie Mouse Ears from the Disney Store. 

Sister night out on St. Thomas's Campus. Angie had too many one-liners to count. 

Meet Mary Magdalen 

Matchy Matchy. 

Green Bean Smile. 

Her bouncer. 

She likes to chew on it more then jump right now.

Her favorite book... she likes to eat it. 

Love playing with my sweet gal. 

Cousin Hannah's Wedding>> at the vineyard

Angie and Joe >> leaving for Italy soon!

Grand parents and Great Grandpa. 

Tiger face. >> Sis and Bro in Law

Take 2. 

Rand and I have been enjoying this season.
 Rand has continued to learn more and more web design stuff and he really likes it.
 I am undertaking the adventure of cloth diapering through trial and error. Trial being spending hours researching inserts, covers, and laundry detergent and making my first purchases. Error being, staining multiple inserts, handwashing the especially poopy diapers, and having a few explosions. I also decided I wanted to start coaching sunflake soccer. So starting in September I will get to do that. I am so excited!  I have also been enjoying starting to purchase more eco-friendly household products, like soaps and cleaning products and fresher produce from places like the farmers market and amazing grains, a local health foods store. 

We both feel like we are going to be entering into a new season soon and are excited to see what it brings! ... no I'm not pregnant ;)

Typical Day.

I want to share a little blurb of what goes on in my heart in a typical day.

I'm a recovering legalistic. What this often means for me is:

I like rules.
I like plans.
I like schedules.
I like black and white.

Are these things wrong? Heavens no. But often, as I examine my motives behind them, they come from a messy place. These things help me to know that I am okay and that I am safe. They point to me wanting to know deep in my soul that I am valuable as a person. Well and can you blame me, who doesn't want that?

Some days my heart feels the freedom found in Jesus, who says "You are my beloved" "You are my treasure" "You are precious."

Other times there is fear. Especially in this new season in being a stay-at home mom.
Fear that I really am not okay.  That I am not doing enough to justify why I can be at home with Ellie.
Panic and scrambling usually follow. Then I can start to spiral. Here would be some of those thoughts that hit me just this week.

 I need to find a job. I need to finish my five papers.  I need to scrub the tub. I need to vacuum. I need to sweep the floor. I need to make dinner. I need to go on a walk. I need to figure out a routine for cloth diapers. I need to organize our finances. I need to organize all my photos on my computer. . I need to figure out a way to upload my instagram videos on my blog. I need to organize how I blog. I need to spend more time playing with Ellie. I spend way too much money. Why can't I be more content with what I have? Why can't I just start running, its only like 30 minutes of my time? Why can't I be a better listener? Why can't I just get my homework done? Why am I scared to call that person back? Why can't I just figure out a schedule for Ellie? I should have by now. Why can't I love my family or my friends better I should.
...and these are just a few.

Can you feel it? The panic. The harshness. The weight of those things on my shoulders. I sure can. It's exhausting reading all that gunk, let alone trying to put my soul through attempting to get it done. Its not freedom and Jesus has more for me.

Im reading this book bondage to bondage which spoke to my soul the other day.

"Trusting in grace feels more demeaning than earning our salvation. Coming alive to hope is more painful and cruel than being dead to our emotions. 
BUT IT IS LIFE. "

And once we've tasted being alive, we can't go back to being dead. Aliveness in God is addictive."

My desire. Whelp. I want to feel free to fail.  I want to know the depths of His grace and taste the warmth of His love in my core.  I want to discover the real Jessica, the Jessica free from the bondage and chains of who I should be or need to be.  I have begun to taste this grace, lately. Is it scary? Yeah, the freakiest. It means I actually will fail. But it means I will actually get to taste this Grace stuff. And I want to be alive as a a person, mom, and wife. And as I am tasting this stuff more and more. I'm discovering a few things.

Im discovering I actually don't like a spotless apartment. I prefer to not do the dishes right away... or for a few days. I don't really want to unpack immediately when I get home.  I think my daughter is freaking adorable and my husband is beautiful, in a manly way. I can be crafty. I do not like scrubbing poopy diapers in the tub even though it is more economically then doing multiple loads in the dryer to save money. I cry and get angry with God when I don't understand why children are starving or being mistreated I like a good light read more then a christian theology book. I actually would prefer getting a C in a class to putting my soul through the torture of having to right a paper in this beautiful weather. I would prefer cuddling with my husband to going to play tennis... some nights.  I want to coach little nuggets who want to play soccer. I still enjoy swearing, shit. I want to make banana bread for my new neighbs. I really am curious about people, differently. I feel less inclined to schedule out my time and day. I enjoy making homemade pizza sauce. I don't need to put a smile on for the checkout lady at target... but I can if I feel like it. Things are more gray now then ever. I like my nose piercing because its sassy.  I like to paint?!  I just decided I want to try to make leg warmers for Ellie, like as I typed those words.

Yeah, this stuff is neat. I feel softer. I'm more ... me.
"It is for Freedom that Christ has set you Free"

Yes, I painted. Yes, these are my favorite colors. Yes, that is a paper bag.