20 Months & 6 Weeks

Exhibit A.

I'm sipping on starbucks. Snuggled into my new eddie bauer funnel neck hoodie. Loving the jangle of my new bracelet from my mom clanking against my shiny watch.

OH. And my kids are peacefully resting

I'm still gawking over our new used Mini Van and proud of officially becoming new members of the mini van family status.

I feel blown away that my brother in law (randomly) bought us a new washer and that myself, and my family, now have clean socks and undies.

Surprisingly, I feel grateful that this season of life means that finances are typically pretty tight. I'm tasting the sweetness and getting to experience new depths of trusting. I'm getting to see, slash being forced to see, God provide in ways that aren't tainted by my own manipulation and control.

I'm not BSing you when I say that reflecting on God's provision leaves me sort of in awe, gawking, really.

His goodness truly doesn't make sense to me, most often, but parts of my heart are really starting to believe his word is true and he is who he says he is.

I'm starting to not feel as freaked by the lack of sleep, big medical bill(s), new unknown realm of parenting, imperfect marriage, and mess of toys.
Yes, marriage and toys are categorically next to each other there.
A lot of my life feels out of place and a lot of times I frantically spin to get it all back together. Really, I feel like the spinning is more of the norm than not.
Normal is sort of emmerging, yes.  Also rising up is something small, that believes that admists it I will be okay and am okay, but not because everything is okay.

And then, whoosh, something else swoops in that forces me to face an even deeper meaning of all that.

Eh. Maybe this idea of "whats for supper" really is starting to make sense.

Okay. My babe is already 6 weeks old. I feel like I am just gettting to start enjoying him. He has not been the happiest of babies this past month and a half. That coupled with trying to give to both him and a full fledged toddler, and it's been surprisingly difficult to bond and feel close to him. That and working through the PTSD of having him emerge, unmedicated, from my body. But holy, the longest six weeks of our lives have really flown by.

He loves physical touch. Being held. Kissed. Having his fingers held.

He snorts. So much. Like he sounds like a pig on the farm, snorts.

He will randomly stick up a hand when he is laying down and hold it there.

He wiggles, a lot.

My favorite picture of him. This is totally "his look" 

He gets worn in the Moby frequently by dad and sometimes mom.

He is a healthy little guy- gaining weight, doing an awesome job nursing and is quite good at expressing his voice.

Storytime:
Infants have a startle reflex. One day Kia was barking at the ghosts outside. Every bark, Reid would throw up his hands, startled. By the time he would put them down, Kia would bark and again and he would throw them up. It was quite funny.

Ellie seriously looks like a little girl. I feel like I am going to be dropping her off at Kindergarten by my next blink.

She loves to say:
 bubye.
 Nuh-nigh (Good Night)
Mimi and Bapa (Grandma and Grandpa Seay)
Da (every object on planet earth)
The noises for cow and horse
PooPoo
Ouch
Ap-pull (apple)
MO (more)
beas (please)
potco (popcorn)
And is learning to put two words together.

Love's elsa and this dress. 

She understands so much and it is crazy to think we will be having conversations soon.

She is still off the charts in her hight.

She insisted on this hat at breakfast. 

Her favorite foods are apples and popcorn.

She loves Daniel Tiger, Frozen and Tangled.

She loves to invite you to do things and will tap the spot next to her if she wants you to join.

Before Rand puts her to bed she will give me a kiss and tap heads with Reid.

She has gotten so good at playing by herself and with Kia while I am with Reid. It is such a treat to watch her become independent and to get some time with my babe and know she won't fall down the stairs if I am not there. 

Two stories this month.
I let her hold my face lotion and I came out to her having opened the jar and her having put all of the lotion in her hair. She was litterally brushing it in. We went straight to the bath. After her hair dried it was still pretty oily. I twisted her pony upward and it stayed put.

She also peed on the potty!

Lotion in her hair. EEK!

This month has felt crazy in some ways. We are starting to adjust to normal as a family of 4. We moved our TV downstairs and did some rearranging in our house and are now able to use both the up and down. It leaves me feeling a lot less confined and I have also enjoyed having the upstairs be more of a relational reprieve and the downstairs a place to be both messy and creative.

Photo at our Christmas Party. Oh the Chaos. 

The holidays were fun. Rand and I both finished up the classes we were taking at UND. I just have my internship left! Kia ate about 1/12 of our ornaments and chewed on a few presents. Ellie took delight in her kitchen set and Rand and I are proud new owners of coats. We enjoyed Christmas Eve as a family and spent Christmas day with Rand's parents, sister, and my parents. It was really a sweet time. I re-learned to sew and enjoyed fixing our curtains and finishing a few pillowcases. I also have enjoyed re-exploring classes at the gym like spinning, yoga, pilates, and PiYo (I literally felt like a little ballerina this one!).

more pictures to come next nap time. Cheers.

Family of Four.

So we had another child on November 13th at 4:45. Reid Stephen.

Reid Stephen. 

He weighed in at 7lbs 5oz and was 21.5 inches long. I don't really have the energy to write all I would like about our birth. I'll stick to a sarcastic summary.

It hurt like hell. 

It was intense and fast. Contractions were consistent from 6pm Wednesday night but things didn't get unbearable until 1pm that day. 

Unbearable means on the floor feeling the most intense pressure in your bottom half that you have ever felt. 

It was in our living room, in a tub, so yes at home. 

The moments my eyes were open I was staring at Ellie's farm set. 

At 3:19 I looked at my watch and was desperate to be rescued. I had no idea how I was going to make it because there was no other option at this point. My voice had brought me to this unmedicated place  and I was forced to fully face the painful reality of child trying to emerge from my body. 

I had a sevenish minute break before I transitioned to the pushing stage. 

The moment of bliss moms describe in pushing didn't really happen for me. Love my kid but meeting him was not what was getting me through.

 It was my only option to stop the pain. However when I pushed his head out and felt the rest of him inside me still wiggling it was sort of cool. 

He was born at 4:45. 

It's been a crazy whirlwind since.

The best look at our life. 

I asked rand shortly after. How many kids do you think we will add. "Two" he says. Ha. Lets just say I get the idea of not talking about having children right after birth now. 

What has life been like since?

Well,

I wrote (most) of this blog from my phone while breastfeeding.

I am now almost on season 3 of Grey's Anatomy. 

Ellie has watched way too much frozen, tangled, and Daniel tiger.

At our first doctor appointment Reid was peeing all over me and the scale.  The nurse asks, "where is Ellie?"

Good question....

This morning it looked like two poopy diapers, no sleep, and applesauce up in everything.

This one doesn't fit with the sarcastic underwriting, but the women in our family started a new tradition of high tea during the holidays. YUM!

The Inn at Maple Lake. 7 sandwhiches and 7 deserts!

So... You could say we're adjusting. My new bedtime is 7pm.

Ellie holding Reid for the first time.

So many poopy diapers. 

A classic look. 

Yes, I know that I should treasure this moment, but I'm just going to be real about what the moment is. 

So honestly, 

This whole two kid thing has reall sent me spinning. I didn't realize how much control i felt like I was in and fought for when it was just Ellie. I also didn't realize how irrational I am and haven't wanted to fully face the fact that my messyness will affect my children, is affecting my children, and will continue to affect my children.  

So I'm having to face first face the reality of the paradigm of being a parent (and supposedly in control) with the reality that I'm not in control and that most often control is what separates me from others relationally. My husband my kids my friends. 

So I spiral into wanting the solution for this chaos. Trying to better understand my perfectionism and codependency is where I swing to. More control. A wanting to hash things out with myself. 

All I can run to is something that says grace. Something that is gentle and soft and loving.
That's all I have.
 OtherwiseI'm helpless to my own rigidity, impatience, harshness, and control.
 I'm bashful of my deep emotions and powerful tongue and desperate to hide beneath my mask of control and strength.
I need the compassionate strength of others and most desperately Jesus to face this monster. A tender embrace amidst the chaos.
I still believe that embrace will only come after I've tamed this prickly porcupine.
But my head knows that that isn't true. Amidst the mess of it all is where grace is supposed to meet me.

Amidst the impatience.
Amidst the pout.
Amidst the 3rd episode of Greys.
Amidst the anger and frustration of Ellie not listening and me being too short with her.

I think I can meekly say the best part of having two kids so far is getting to come closer to tasting his bountiful grace. It defies me, but it is what my soul craves.

Jesus help me to see your love here for me. Almost the control and chaos and harshness with my children and self. I'm desperate for your gentle words and grace.